The Dursley Dilemma
by demigod ravenclaw
Summary: The Dursley's have a problem: they keep running into witches and wizards while doing perfectly normal activities! If you want a chapter dedicated to you, leave a review with the criteria included in the A/N at the end of Chapter 1 and the beginning and end of Chapter 13. I OWN NOTHING!
1. Luna,Vernon,Wormtail

**Thank you to my amazing friend.**

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Vernon Dursley, Peter Pettigrew and Luna Lovegood.

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Luna Pandora Lovegood was walking to the zoo on an early Sunday morning in July, 1996.

She looked around carefully. Not a single muggle in sight, save the couple and child walking out of the exhibit. The wrackspurts had driven them away for her. She'd have to thank them..maybe they'd like a Crumple-Horned Snorcack horn?

She smiled at the idea and pulled out her wand to reach something deep in her pocket: she was here on official Quibbler business. She wrote down the words of the sign onto a piece of parchment.

_Snakes bred in zoo. Do not touch sign. In captivity. _Captivity. These animals were held here ans Luna did not like that. Her dreamy disposition was lacking as she pocketed the parchment.

Luna turned slowly, the smile back on her face. Soon, readers of the Quibbler would know about this injustice; surely they'd speak up? The snakes would be back out in the wild soon.

"GIRL!" Someone screeched. As Luna turned around, she saw who it was: Harry's Uncle. At the moment, Luna couldn't help but feel that Harry had doe the description justice. ("He looks like a walrus- big, black, moustache, small, piggy eyes, no neck at all, extremely fat.") "Put. It. Away. I COME BACK HERE, TO PICK UP THE COIN THAT MY SON DROPPED AND FIND _YOU _DOING- DOING THAT? YOU KNOW HIM, DON'Y YOU, GIRL? YOU ARE WORKING FOR MY NEPHEW TO FREAK UP MY LIFE? WELL, IT WON'T WORK! HE'S IN FOR IT THE _Freak."_ Yes, this was Harry's Uncle, Luna thought.

"Mr? Versan, ain't it?" Came a small, squeaky voice. "Could you be so kind as to reveal the location of Harry James Potter? Or- Or I'll kill you!" As Vernon turned around in a rage, Luna saw who had spoken: Peter Pettigrew.

"SEE HERE, FREAK-" Vernon began but Pettigrew cut him off by growling "_Avada Kedavra!"_

Luna shoved Vernon into the wall. She couldn't do magic.

"Is he here?" Luna whispered. "Is Harry here?" Vernon nodded slowly. Harry had been falling at Dudley's hand for two hours now: it was a punishment, not a treat.

"HARRY!" Luna Pandora Lovegood never screamed. So, when Harry heard her yell, he ran towards the sound. "Harry, get him out!" she ducked Pettigrew's curse. Harry nodded.

"_Cruci-" _But Harry and Vernon were gone.

Luna smiled out-of-the-blue.

"Right, uh-" Peter squeaked. "Why are you smil-" But he was cut off, yet again.

Not by words though: Luna had jammed her fist into his jaw. While he fell, she escaped.

Vernon was so traumatized that he almost gave Harry dinner! Almost...

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**This was very random but my friend had this idea so I had to publish! If you want a chapter dedicated to you, tell me the following:**

**Criteria**

**1)You favorite male character & your least favorite female character**

**2) Your favorite female and least favorite male characters. (Pick 1 or 2)**

**3) Vernon, Petunia, Dudley or Marge.**

**4) Where should they meet?**

**5) Any funny one-liners you'd like to be included.**

**Thanks! Reviews make my day: whether it's the criteria above or just what you thought!**


	2. Neville,Bellatrix,Petunia

**This was my idea. The last chapter was favorite female/least favorite male. This is favorite male and least favorite female. It takes place around on Harry's 17th birthday: Neville would have just turned of age.**

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Neville Longbottom , Bellatrix Black-Lestrange, Petunia Evans-Dursley.

* * *

Petunia pursed her lips as she looked around the gigantic clothing store she had come too; there was only one other woman there, with curly black locks, heavy lidded eyes, thin lips and a look of madness about her.

The woman pulled out (To Petunia's _disgust and fear) _a wand. _People like her shouldn't be allowed in **normal **shops, _Petunia thought indignantly. But unlike her walrus of a husband, she wasn't foolish enough to scream insults at the obviously mad woman.

"Excuse me, madam?" Petunia turned: there stood a young man with a round face and cropped blond hair. He was dressed in a suit that said 'Employee: Neville.' "Might I be of service?" He was very polite indeed. Just like Dudders. "I'm only looking to earn some cash, I mean, my family's well off but I'd just like to provide, y'know?"

"Of course, Mr.-" She trailed off. Honestly, why not list the person's last name on the name-tag?

"Longbottom, Madam. Neville Longbottom." Suddenly, there was quite a loud cackle: the mad woman was right behind Mr. Longbottom.

"YOU!" The boy yelled, turning around. His friendly disposition was gone. Neville whipped out a wand, thanking everybody that he was of age. '_Stupefy' _The silent charm left her stunned, but a capable witch like The Mad Hatter would be up again in no time.

"You're one of- of them? Like my fre- like my nephew, Harry? Harry Potter?" Petunia covered up silently. Neville looked up, stony-faced.

"I'm aware how you treat magical people, _Petunia._ But I'll still warn you: get out if you value your life."

And get out she did.

Once Petunia was out of the shop, Neville stared down at the stunned woman on the floor:this was the one who had tortured his parents, who had killed Harry's godfather.

He could end it now, with an Avada Kedavra. But he couldn't.

Neville wasn't a killer. He didn't want to be.

He ran from the shop, never looking back.

* * *

**Criteria at the end of the last chapter! This was my idea, not anyone else's.**

**Review if you want to put a smile on my face.**


	3. Draco,Harry,Dudley-Harry, Hermione,Marge

**Requested by Guest.**

* * *

_Part I: Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Dudley Dursley._

_Part II: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Margorie Dursley._

* * *

"Big D!" Harry called out. The Dursley's had returned home and Kingsley _insisted _he go see them.

Vernon and Petunia were out. Thank Merlin's saggy left pinkie finger.

Dudley looked up in surprise.

"Harry?" Dudley reached out a hand which Hary shook carefully. Constant vigilance, the Moody in his head (Who HArry named Bran) roared. He can't possibly be trying to be kind, The Snape in his head (Who Harry named Alan) sneered. Give him a chance, the Dumbledore in his head (Who Harry named Mike) encouraged.

"Get out of my head." Harry mumbled causing Dudley to raise an eyebrow. Okay?

* * *

Harry and Dudley were walking along the park, not saying a word when Dudley saw him: a figure with pale blond hair and cold grey eyes that were trained on Harry.

"Sectumsempra." He whispered. Dudley acted on impulse, grabbing Harry's shoulder's and pulling him to the ground.

"Thanks, Big D." HArry growled, getting up to fight. "You just saved my- poor Draco!"

A small petite figure stood beside Draco: her mahogany colored curls bounced around her heart-shaped face and her bright eyes were sparking with fury. She stood around 5'4 to Draco's 5'10.

Astoria Greengrass would certainly make sure her boyfriend never did this again. Oh yes, she would.

Draco even managed to utter out a "S-s-s-s-sr-so-so-su-sir-surrey, Scar-Head."

* * *

**I don't think I did that justice. I previously had a better version typed out but my computer and fanfiction hate each other so it got deleted!**

***Sigh***

* * *

_Part II_

"So, you're still alive." Marge Dursley huffed in distaste as she looked down at the 32 year old Harry. "Who's this?"

Hermione bit her lip, fuming. Harry slowly grabbed her hand.

"Hello, Aunt MArge. I- This is my wife. These are our three children: Jamie, he's 10, Reg, he's 8 and Ruby, she's 5, Granger-Potter."

"Yes, well, I suppose they're freaks like you. Turned Petunia funny didn't you? Wizards, honestly! Never been so **shocked **in my life!"

"_Good-bye, Aunt Marge." _Harry took his daughter by the hand and walked her away, Hermione and the boys right behind them.

**I suppose they're freaks like you.**

His children- Jamie Sirius, named after his father and godfather. Regulus Cedric, named after two unrecognized heroes, and Rubes (Rue-bus) 'Ruby' Lily, named for Rubeus Hagrid and his mother.

They were not freaks.

They were angels...  
...well, maybe not Jamie.

* * *

***Cue the loony tunes music***


	4. Hermione,Wormtail,Petunia

**Idea from Guest**

* * *

_Hermione, Wormtail and Petunia._

* * *

Petunia was minding her own business when the girl showed up: she looked to be 17 like Petunia's nephew, Harry, would soon be, but she hadn't though much of it.

The girl looked simple enough: she had bushy brown hair tied up in a ponytail and she was wearing a pink t-shirt and jeans.

She seemed to be looking for a nice place to sit in the large park.

"Here." Petunia simpered, taking a liking to the 'normal' girl. "You can sit with me, dear, it's a nice bench. I'm Petunia Dursley."

The girl looked alarmed but smiled and sat down anyway.

"I'm Hermione, my parents are dentists. I should be leaving soon, my house is pretty far and my mum gets worried."

"I don't suppose I can sit too, Petuney, was it?" A croaky old man with his head hung so they couldn't see his face. "I'm Pete Petite. I'm 95 years old, please spare this old man some room!"

Petunia pursed her lips but moved over so Pete Petite ('Who names their kid something like that?' Petunia thought, forgetting she had a son named Dudley Dursley.) could sit too.

Instinctively, Pete reached over Petunia's slender form and made to grab the girl, showing his face...his face that was quite gaunt but at the same time young.

"PETTIGREW! IT'S PETER PETTIGREW!" The young girl screeched, pulling out her wand. Petunia fainted.

A nearby wizard, on his way to the Ministry, ran over to them.

But Pete Petite- Peter Pettigrew, that is- had already ran off. Nobody noticed the rat jumping into the sewer grate.

Hermione sat back down on the bench near Petunia's fainted form.

She slowly began to write on a piece of paper from a muggle notebook.

* * *

_Dear Henry,_

_Happy Birthday._

_From, 'A Winter's Tale.'_

**Hermione thought it was clever. 'A Winter's Tale' was a Shakespearean play. One of the characters was named Hermione, a fact that she had made sure both Harry and Ron knew.**

**And the paper was charmed. After 'Henry' (They felt it safe to use code names in letters, as they weren't supposed to write at all: 'A Winter's Tale', Henry, and Rhonny.) touch her signature, the letter would morph into something else, only at Harry's touch:**

_Dear Harry,_

_How are you? The order will pick you up the Saturday before your 17th._

_Mad-eye will take you to the burrow by side-along apparition._

_Everyone's fine. I must be careful though._

_Love from, Hermione._

**She slipped the letter into Petunia's pocket and walked away.**

* * *

TO THE BLACK-HAIRED BOY IN YOUR CARE.  
FROM THE DAUGHTER OF DENTIST'S.

Petunia knew the girl, the _witch, _had put it there but still...taking someone's mail was a legal offense and they'd already taken his Hogwarts letter.

"BOY!"

Harry came down slowly and when he did, Petunia shoved the paper in his hand.

HE took it upstairs to read.

Petunia star at the spot he'd disappeared from.

She must have been scared so bad that -aside from almost wetting her pants- she'd gone soft.

Soft.

* * *

**Well, I'm so sorry! Updates are much less frequent now.**

***Sigh* But I'm also a beta-reader now so...**

**Sorry.**


	5. I Can't Fit The Title Here

**Requested by Guest and Hi. Also partly dedicated to HereIAm101.**

* * *

_Part I: Neville, Umbridge and Marge (Guest)_

_Part II: Harry, Bellatrix and Petunia (Hi)_

* * *

Part I: July 15th, 1996

Marjorie Dursley liked to think she was perfectly normal.

Normal woman buy gifts for their neffy-poos, don't they?

So their she was at the store when the woman walked in. She had bobby blonde hair and a toad like complexion.

Marge liked her style.

Then the boy came in and blinked a couple times, looking between the two woman.

_Probably thinking about how we're better than his wish-wash mother! _Marge thought to herself.

"So, you are Marjorie Dursley? I met your...nephew, the other day."

"You've met Dudders?" Marge asked, eyes popping.

"Oh no. The other boy, Potter. Horrible, horrible child. Must be punished."

Neville, for the boy was him, grit his teeth at the disgusting woman. So, this was the one Harry had blown up?

"Yes, a good boy like my Neffy-Poo, Dudley Dursley, knows that. Used to hunt the scrawny runt down."

"SO!" Neville intervened. "Are you two sisters or cousins? You both look like the children of a pig and a toad."

He scarpered before they could respond.

"He will be punished, as well." Umbridge promised, beginning to write a note.

Marge rolled her eyes and went off to have a spot tea with Ripper.

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Part II: July 15th, 1997

Harry and Petunia were the only two in the house: Dudley was with Piers and Vernon was at work.

When a loud crack sounded, Harry looked around and Petunia pursed her lips.

Loud cackling.

Harry knew that voice.

Bellatrix. He jumped to his feet, pulling out a knife from a drawer, not being of age yet.

She appeared in the hallway, dancing and swiveling her hips.

"_I killed Siri! I killed Padfoot! I killed Bla-ack!" _The knife flew past her and her laughter sounded louder as she pulled her wand.

Petunia pressed herself against the wall in terror.

"COME ON, POTTY! COME ON OR-"

"Bella!" Narcissa yelled, barging in rudely. "Honestly! Get out! We'll have him dead soon enough. And _I'll _deal with the muggle." Smiling viciously, BEllatrix nodded and danced away again. Literally, she could be a ballerina!

Narcissa sent a (purposefully?) badly-aimed knife at Petunia's head, as the Ministry would turn up if she used magic and followed her sister.

Harry shook his head, nonplussed. Then he noticed Petunia and the stain across her pants.

"Aunt Petunia...did you wet yourself?" She gasped, mortified. After checking to make sure no neighbors heard, Petunia dashed upstairs.

Harry roared with laughter.

* * *

**I wasn't sure how to resolve to battle as it had to take place before Harry turned 17. Then I remembered that Narcissa is one of my favorites (7th, after (in order) Luna, Harry, Neville, Fred, George and Tonks.), so I thought I should make her do the work. **

**I love her so I think she was the good guy in this but can also be read as the bad guy...it was Andromeda at first, actually. But I changed it to Narcissa, though Andromeda is great as well.**

**\- Cassie**


	6. AmazonWarrior04's Request

**Dedicated to AmazonWarrior04**

* * *

_Part I: Cedric, Trelawney, Vernon._

_Part II: Fleur, Percy, Vernon._

* * *

_Part I._

"Ah! Hello Professor!" Sybill Trelawney turned around and almost had a heart attack: Cedric Diggory's pale image stood behind her.

"But- But how? You-THE BODY! This June, after the third task! How can you be in the parking of this muggle...mall, I think they say?"

"You see, Professor, The Fates decided to let me down for one more day. I didn't want to go to my parents and sadden them up so I thought I'd take a walk."

"OI! Ruddy crazy person, talking to yourself. GET YOUR THOUGHTS IN ORDER!" Vernon Dursley growled, having just came out of the mall.

"Oh, but I'm here!" Cedric cried.

"NOW YOUR WISH-WASH NONSENSE IS MAKING ME HEAR STUFF!"

Sybill blinked before gasping and giving a gasp. She started to make a prophecy, that would come TRUE...

_"The Whale, The Horse and The Pig, Set out for cover, 7 Disguises, One down, A coward's work, Ears of Holiness, The Whale, The Horse and The Pig!"_

(As in, the Battle of the 7 Potters? Remember?)

Vernon screamed and got in his car, rambling about crazies.

And that was the day that Vernon Dursley was freaked out.

* * *

_Part II (After The War)_

"PERCY!" Fleur waved, and dashed across the mall to where he stood.

"Ah! Fleur. Bill said you were here. Always nice to meet my sister-in-law."

Fleur nodded, smiled at him, and pulled out her wand after seeing no muggles.

"PUT IT AWAY!" Vernon screamed, once again entering just in time. "PUT IT AWAY! I WON'T HAVE YOUR NONSENSE! I AM VERNON DURSLEY, THE DIRECTOR OF GRUNNINGS!"

"Ah!" Percy frowned. "Fleur, this is Harry's Uncle Vernon. The on who is less than fond of our world."

Fleur mouth formed an 'o'.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Dursley." She laughed nervously. "I'm Fleur Weasley and this is my husband's brother, Percy, We're Harry's sister and brother in-law."

Vernon glared at them and turned his nose up in the air, shoving Percy as he left.

He even forgot to buy something for Dudders! It's the end of the world!

* * *

**I wrote this chapter pretty quick as well. Sorry.**

**These were like...one-shots in my head.**


	7. Tutors and Dogs

**To Niffler4ever and Guest.**

* * *

_Part I: Weasley Twins, Umbridge Hermione , Dumbledore and Dudley._

_Part II: Harry, Umbridge and Marge._

* * *

PART I

"Hello!" Petunia chirped, seeing the 15 year old girl. "You must be...Harmony?"

"Hermione." She corrected. "And yes, I'm here to tutor Dudley. These are my...cousins. Fred and George. They wanted to help.''

"I supply the tutor company and I wish to _help _Dudley understand procedures." Umbridge gave a girlish giggle.

Apparently it was Ministry law that a witch or wizard couldn't tutor muggles on their own but...Umbridge? Not that they knew her yet.

"And I think I can manage that, Dolores." Dumbledore said, making everyone jump. Petunia's eyes widened with recognition.

"Yeah, the old man can help." Dudley agreed, wanting to get it over with _quick._

_"Oh, by the way." _Fred drawled. "Your fly's down, Dudders."

"OUT!" Petunia screeched. "I'LL TUTOR HIM MYSELF!"

On second thought, Hermione should have left the twins...

Oh god. No wonder Dudley failed at school.

* * *

"Ah, Hello! I'm Marjorie Dursley. You look like a respectable woman." Marge laughed, seeing the toad-face, who was screaming at some boys for causing mischief.

"Yes, I'm Dolores Umbridge."

Harry, who was hiding behind the clothes rack in that very same shop, was alarmed at his two least favorite woman meeting.

"Well, you probably have a lot of fine dogs-" Marge was saying.

"Oh no. I find cats to be much better."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes."

_SLAM!_

Marge had knocked into Umbrige...hard.

Harry could hear them screaming and punching while the manager yelled.

He smiled slightly, rooting for Marge despite his hatred of her.

He'd always been a dog person himself...

* * *

**I can't do these ideas justice! Thanks Meester Lee.**

**Next update might be slower.**


	8. Uncles, The Press and Rats

**To Sam1107, Guest and 1Guest.**

* * *

_Part I: Snape, Hermione, Luna, Ron and Vernon. (Pretty much just Snape and Vernon though, sorry.)_

_Part II: Hermione, Rita Skeeter and Petunia_

_Part III: Molly, Wormtail and Vernon._

* * *

PART I (during OoTP)

Severus Snape was annoyed.

Dumbledore wanted him to check on the Potter Brat. Granger and Weasley were going to come but he'd ditched them at headquarters, though Lovegood had told him that Potter lived at Number 4.

"Excuse me?" Snape drawled to a walrus-looking man. "Do you happen to know where Number 4 is? My friend asked me to check it out, as I'm thinking of buying a house here."

"That's all well!" The man roared. "But Number 4 is _my _house! What do you want with it?"

Ah! Potter's Uncle.

"Oh, my friend says it looks _beautiful. _What do you think of teenagers?"

"Horrible!" Vernon scowled, thinking of Harry. "Ruining the days of normal people."

"I agree! They're not very bright either, always breaking the rules." Snape was also thinking of Harry.

"I send my nephew to a special school, they take good care of these things! St. Brutus's Secure Center!"

"Dunderheads, teenagers are, the lot of them!"

Harry himself was just taking a walk when he heard this conversation.

He fainted for a second, sprawled against the garden, but ran inside before either man spot him.

Snape had convinced himself that Potter was in good hands and bade Vernon good-bye before heading back to Hogwarts.

* * *

PART II (Summer after GoF)

"But that's Blackmail!" Rita protested, arguing with Hermione as they walked down a street on Surrey.

"But you are lying in the press." Hermione shot back.

Rita suddenly brightened.

"What if I wrote a juicy story about muggles? Painting them in a good light?"

"Well, that would be alright, I suppose..." Hermione trailed off.

"Excellent!" Rita chirped, dragging Hermione over to Petunia. "Hello! You're Harry Potter's aunt, aren't you? I'm Rita Skeeter, Journalist for the Wizarding World and I want your SOB STORY! Oh, they've been so cruel but _I _can help you let everyone know. Together we'll put Potter to shame-"

"I-I...well, it would _hurt _to let it out, I suppose..." Petunia squeaked, turning red in fury or embarrassment or maybe both.

Hermione's jaw dropped as she decided not to interfere.

"Excellent! Let's just do this like an interview, shall we? First, did you ask to raise Harry? Or...was he forced upon you?"

"He was forced! That man...Dumbledore...left him on the doorstep!"

Petunia said this more out of spite that she was forced to raise Harry than fury at Dumbledore for leaving him on the doorstep in the cold, but Rita wasn't to know that.

"And you were Harry's mother's sister?"

"Oh yes! Lily was so young, it brings tears to my eyes. I don't like talking about it!" Petunia faked.

"Of course! Now, how does it feel not to be magical like your sister?" Rita leaned in in curiosity.

Petunia's face was livid now.

"HOW DARE YOU? GET OUT!" She stormed away and left Hermione and Rita in silence.

"Rita?" Hermione whispered, glaring after Petunia. "You can publish that one."

* * *

PART III (Kings Cross Station, Waiting For The Train During PoA)

Molly was waiting for the train to drop off her children for the summer.

That's when she saw Scabbers running through the platform. Ron had told her in a letter that Scabbers had been proved dangerous.

Nothing dangerous was coming near any Weasley's!

She remembered how Fred and George would fart on Scabbers to scare him away from them.

Blushing slightly, Molly let one rip.

Vernon turned his head slowly to stare at her, his mustache flailing and mouth hanging open. His eyes were frenzied and wild.

He slowly, on tiptoes, moved away, _far away, _from her.

Crazies...


	9. Fainting and Rejecting

**To SlytherinDemigoddess, Sam1107 and Guest1.**

* * *

_Part I: Petunia, Narcissa Malfoy and Harry_

_Part II: Molly, Wormtail and Petunia (Sequel to Part III of Chapter 8)_

_Part III: Dudley and Draco._

* * *

Part I

Narcissa was looking around at muggle fashion, albeit distastefully, when the other blonde woman walked into the store.

Seeing Narcissa, she had stopped to chat.

"Hello!" The other had chirped, much to Narcissa's annoyance. "I'm Petunia Dursley, my husband works at Grunnings down the street. I don't think I've seen you before?"

"I'm Narcissa. Narcissa _Malfoy. _My husband is a _high-ranking Ministry official." _Narcissa was pleased to see that Petunia looked shocked.

"Well! That sounds lovely. Do you have any children?" She covered up, though Narcissa still heard envy in her voice.

"Yes, of course. My darling son, Draco. He's on the sports team at his school and is the most popular kid. So sweet and wonderful. What about you?" Narcissa asked snidely.

"Well, my son, Dudley, is just like yours! So wonderful and just an angel! My nephew is quite unbalanced though, mum and dad dead so he lives with us. He might be stopping by."

And he was stopping by.

Harry fainted upon seeing who it was.

Narcissa thought she spotted a tuft of black hair exiting the shop...

* * *

PART II (A Sequel)

Molly was waiting for the train to drop off her children, thinking with horror of Cedric Diggory's death just weeks ago.

Then she saw Scabbers again. Well...it had worked last year, right?

She squatted and let one rip again, though this time she managed to poop herself. Petunia gave a little shriek, clutching Vernon's hand.

The Dursley's had seen the brown stain on Molly's pants.

Guess farts and poop can scare both rats and Dursley's.

Huh.

* * *

PART III

"Well, hello! I don't think I've met you before?" Dudley looked the boy over, deciding he would make a nice addition to the gang.

"Go away, filthy muggle!" Draco shot back, turning his nose up in the air.

Dudley blinked slowly.

* * *

**HAHA! That would probably happen, though. Just being realistic, here.**


	10. Burps All Around

**To avada fartavra, Fun and HereIAm101. **

* * *

_Part I: Minerva McGonagall, Snape and Petunia_

_Part II: Fred, George and Dudley_

_Part III: Hermione, Umbridge, Vernon and Marge_

* * *

PART I

Minerva had walked in on Snape and Petunia in the midst of their argument.

She should only catch one word: 'Lily.'

This continued for 30 minutes.

Minerva mumbled something under her breath, to which Snape turned around.

"You don't even smoke, Minerva!" He cried.

* * *

PART II

Dudley was getting annoyed.

The twins were pranking him. Of course, he didn't know they were wizards.

First came the Skiving Snackboxes. Then they had confused him with their names. And then...well, you get the point.

"STOP IT!" Dudley screamed. "YOU ARE FRED, YOU ARE GEORGE AND-"

"But Dud!" Harry butted in randomly. "Their names are Gred and Forge!"

Dudley knocked himself unconscious.

* * *

PART III

Marge and Vernon were at Kingsham Restaraunt in Surrey.

Hermione was watching them distastefully, not even knowing they were Harry's evil aunt and crazy uncle.

Funny how the universe works.

Umbridge had also entered and was making her way to the Dursley siblings, who were now having a burping contest.

"You two are disgusting!" She sneered.

"You're one to talk, toad-woman!" Vernon jeered.

"Yes, Vernon! Knock her stuffing out!" Marge encouraged. Petunia was in the bathroom and Dudley was busy with his food.

"I'm out of here!" Hermione squeaked. As she ran out of the building, she didn't notice the figure staring longingly at the food.

It was Harry.

He'd seen her, but thoughts of Cedric and Voldemort quickly drew her out of his mind.

It was just like wizards not to notice him when he was in need, anyway.

* * *

**Hi! If your request doesn't get met, I'm so sorry but sometimes I just can't write certain plot-lines. Hope you understand.**


	11. 5 in 1

ThatRandomGuyLoud: My favorite part is honestly just waking up everyday to see reviews. Thank you!

**For HereIAm, Archer Nut, Guest, Guest and IChangedMyName.**

* * *

_Part I (HereIAm & Archer Nut): Vernon, Voldemort, Fred & George, Molly and Petunia._

_Part II (Guest): Minerva, Dumbledore and Petunia._

_Part III (Guest & IChangedMyName): Vernon, Remus, Harry, Umbridge and Marge_

* * *

PART I

Molly and Petunia were both shopping at a muggle mart.

Fred, George and Vernon had been dragged along.

Petunia looked up, only to see Fred and George having scared their mother so bad that she- Petunia gagged.

"CONTROL YOUR SONS!" Petunia screeched.

Fred and George turned on her.

"Here's a tarantula!" Fred sneered, showing her one.

Petunia screamed.

"NOW I HAVE TO TAKE A SHOWER! URGH!"

"Harry sends his love!" George called after her.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Vernon roared. Molly was running toward him, about to knock him over for getting too close to her sons.

"Yes, how dare you?" Voldemort asked. Wait, Voldemort?

Molly screamed and the twins backed away quickly.

Vernon turned round and punched Voldemort.

Voldemort turned round and punched Vernon.

They kept punching each other until Voldemort flew away and Vernon ran home on his chubby feet.

"Let's go, boys! I've got to take a shower too." Molly squeaked.

* * *

PART II (Summer before OoTP)

"Petunia!" DUmbledore greeted. "I understand you almost threw your nephew out yesterday. Understandable but I must impose on you: the blood wards. Do not attemptt it again-"

"I will!" Petunia interrupted. "Boy has to go! I'm not having him in the house where he can put us all in danger!"

Minerva pursed her lips. This was why Dumbledore had brought her along. She snatched a cigar and lit it.

"Minerva? Why are you doing that?" Dumbledore questioned timidly.

"Because Petunia will keep Harry for three more years unless she wants her house filled with smoke."

Petunia's jaw clamped shut.

"Oh, I'll keep him!" She agreed.

Minerva snapped on a pair of sunglasses.

* * *

PART III

"HARRY!" Remus waved brightly. Harry, who was sulking as he watched Vernon and Marge, brightened considerably.

"Hullo, Remus! Er, that's my uncle and his sister over there."

"Really? I think I'd like to meet them!" Harry's eyes widened.

"NO! That's probably not a good idea. That's Umbridge next to them anyway, she hates werewolves."

Remus blinked twice, but nodded.

"BOY!" Marge came over to them. "I-(She saw Remus)-I was wondering if you'd completed your chores today?" Remus looked up in interest.

"Has Dudley?" Harry asked rudely.

"Dudders doesn't get any chores! He isn't an insane criminal like you."

"Oh, very well! That sounds like the right way to treat- AHHH!" Umbridge and Marge were both fully flying. The park, however, was very far from Privet Drive and Harry wouldn't be blamed.

Needless to say, Umbridge and Marge were _out of there._

Harry grinned in delight before remembering that _Remus had heard what Marge said._

Remus himself was standing in shock, jaw unhinged.

How dare Marge say that?

"You!"" Remus roared suddenly. "You are Harry's uncle? Right well, I'm Harry's _godfather _and I demand that you treat him right. You'll hear from me, otherwise." BEFORE YOU START RAGING: I know Sirius is Harry's godfather, but let's just say they both are, alright?

Vernon nodded stiffly, taking off after his sister.

"Take care of yourself, Harry." Remus said kindly, walking away in the opposite direction.

"I will." Harry whispered.


	12. RE-WRITTEN!

**Re-do of Chapter 12 because it was horrible.**

**Same requests.**

* * *

Luna Pandora Lovegood loved the park as much as anyone. She also, however, enjoyed unique things- weird, some might say.

But she was human and she did prefer order to chaos...why she started to prefer chaos is a long story and one that I am about to unravel.

Luna was taking a walk, thinking about Voldemort's return and the strange boy she'd never met named Harry Potter...but she wasn't the only one.

Cornelius Fudge was also there. Luna cocked her head when she saw him: Luna hated nobody (except perhaps the Death Eaters and Voldemort) but this man...he was laying a clear path for the Dark Lord.

Fudge scowled when he saw Luna. "YOU!" He screeched. "Your lunatic father has been printing _lies...LIES!_ These made-up fools called Racky-berts!" Luna smiled serenely, reaching out with her senses. **Wracksuprts? Help me...this man insulted us and my father.**

Fudge took a running leap toward Luna, whether to punch her or hex we'll never know, but...the strangest thing happened. Or maybe _not _so strange.

The wrackspurts clouded his brain and he fell. Fell right on a spider. The spider was one that liked biting...put the pieces together.

"HOW DARE YOU PUSH HIM?" Umbridge roared. She took a leap in the same arc as Fudge but the wrackspurts were having fun...they made Umbridge fall on a thorn. The thorn ripped the 'High Inquisitors' pants and made her screech.

Vernon took a step back, eyeing the blonde girl carefully. Vernon turned and creeped into his car, driving far, _far _away.

* * *

Neville fell to his knees as the woman approached. She was the one who had killed Sirius and tortured his parents...she had caused Harry so much pain, had caused _him _so much pain.

"WELL, WELL, WELL!" Bellatrix cackled. "Neville _Frank _Longbottom. I have been _going insane _to see you again."

Neville got to his feet, clenching his fists.

"YEAH, FIGHT!" Dudley yelled. Dennis and Gordon cheered.

"Stay _out _of this and leave if you value your lives!" Neville hissed to the blonde pig.

Dudley scrambled, his gang right behind him.

Bellatrix cackled. apparating away

Neville fell to his knees, shaking. He wondered, later, whether he may have been able to save the lives of Dobby, Tonks and many more. But he'd saved Dudley, hadn't he?

And maybe that was enough.

Dudley, on the other hand, was scarred for life.

* * *

"HEY!" Vernon Dursley hated abnormal people and Voldemort, skeletally thin with spider-y hands and slits for nostrils and red pupils, was abnormal.

Voldemort saw him and raised a wand, ready to kill. Vernon knocked the wand to the ground.

The Dark Lord saw red...he punched Vernon in the face and Vernon lay on the ground, passed out.

"That was easy!'' Voldemort scoffed.

_THAT'LL TEACH **HIM **TO MESS WITH VOLDEMORT!_

* * *

**Sorry about the third one, I just didn't know how to go about doing it.**


	13. PLEASE READ THE AUTHORS NOTE!

**PLEASE READ COMPLETELY!**

**To Guest: Your request of Harry, Umbridge, Fudge and Dudley will be up in the next few days. I suffered with writers block for the idea, but I think I ****_may _****have the plot idea. **

**This will have between 1-10 more chapters, so if you have requests, pitch them in soon.**

**The following are randomly selected names. If you wish, I can do Dursleys meeting a wizard and someone from another fandom. See the end of the chapter for more details on this before submitting a request. This chapter features characters from Percy Jackson and The Hunger Games. The A/N at the end features my rules about this, and I plead that you read them.**

* * *

_PART I: Gilderoy Lockhart, Andromeda Tonks and Petunia Dursley_

_PART II: Luke Castellan (Percy Jackson and the Olympians), Primrose Everdeen (The Hunger Games), Harry Potter, Petunia Dursley._

* * *

PART I (After Deathly Hallows)

Petunia stifled a groan. Her nephew was apparently in the hospital and they couldn't contact his friend's family (who he was staying with). He was, surprisingly, engaged to one of them.

And now she had to go check on him. Seriously?

She dazed off as she climbed the steps and suddenly a woman slammed into her.

"Hello!" The woman said, smiling sadly. There was a haunted look in her eyes that she couldn't place and she held a baby in her arms. Well, _she _wasn't on the floor! Freaks and their manners. "-must be Petunia? I'm Andromeda Tonks, a Healer. Harry was hunting down Dolohov, a killer. Got him too! Ha!"

"You seem a bit _sadistically happy about him catching this Dolohov!_" Petunia accused, sniffing angrily.

"Well, we had a war. My husband, daughter and son-in-law were killed: Dolohov killed my son-in-law, and the woman who killed my daughter is already dead." Was Petunia feeling _sorry _for a _witch? _No! She was being hexed or cursed or something, that was it!

"Yes, well...I would like to see- H-Harry. And then I will be leaving."

"Hawwy!" The baby in Andromeda's arms cooed softly.

"This is Teddy Lupin, my daughters 1 year old _orphaned _son. Harry looks after him, mostly. He lives with me, however."

Petunia sighed. Couldn't she just leave? Did she have to be here at all?

"HELLO!" A handsome man laughed, zooming to a halt in front of her. "I'm Gil! They say my name is GIL! HAHAHA!" And off he sped again.

"That was Gilderoy, he's lost his memory permanently. Poor lad used to be quite famous...but he was a bit stupid, really!" Andromeda pursed her lips.

Suddenly, an owl flew through the window. Andromeda took the letter with her free hand and scanned it before giggling softly.

"Change of plans! They've managed to contact Harry's friends after all: you can leave now."

Petunia growled in frustration. Teddy's hair changed to her giant bun and she blinked.

"Actually, Andromeda...I think I can stick around a _bit _longer."

* * *

PART II (After Deathly Hallows, Catching Fire and The Titan's Curse. Harry, Luke and Prim have met before.)

Petunia and her nephew stared at each other awkwardly. Dudley had demanded they 'make nice'. But that's a bit hard when you hate each other...

Meanwhile, Luke was edging his way over to a small girl he recognized as someone he'd met on the run with Annabeth and Thalia: Primrose Everdeen.

"Prim!" He cried. "It's me, Luke! I think that Harry-guy is over there too."

"Luke?" Prim marveled. "Wow! I've forgotten how you looked, I was so young when we met! I'm only here in case the Capitol targets this small shop...London, is it called?"

"Yeah. Wanna go say 'hi' to Harry, too?"

"Sure! HARRY!"

Petunia turned toward the young blonde girl and the older blond boy waving.

Her nephew beckoned them over and they stared at her.

"Hi," The girl said timidly. "I'm Prim and this is Luke...we're friends of Harry."

"This is my Aunt Petunia." Harry confirmed. "So, how're your friends and family?"

'Not exactly good...' both thought, looking away.

But apparently The Capitol _had _targeted that little shop: a small fireball came flying through the air. Prim screamed and threw Harry and Petunia into the wall. Luke ran out of the shop and jumped into the portal made by Kronos.

"I'M NEVER COMING TO THIS WRETCHED SHOP AGAIN!" Petunia screeched.

Oops, Prim thought, grinning.

* * *

**Thanks for reading. I know I didn't put that much effort into the last chapter but I just wasn't feeling my muse that day.**

**I'm sorry.**

**Now, the rules for crossovers:**

**1\. They MUST be submitted in the next few weeks. I won't accept any more requests after the story is done. Would you like one of these for Percy Jackson? Centered around mortal parents?**

**2\. The same rules apply: I can't write everything. If I find I'm not able to write your request, please don't take it personally. I just have trouble with certain plot-lines.**

**3\. I don't do very well with writing outside of _my _fandoms.**

**4\. I would like to limit it to 5 characters per request.**

**5\. I'd prefer to write with at least ONE non-Dursley Harry Potter character (and a Dursley, of course) per request, but if it's just a Dursley and another fandom's character, I'm fine.**

**6\. Please include a Dursley in your request.**

**FANDOMS I'LL ACCEPT CHARACTERS FROM:**

**BOOKS: Harry Potter, obviously.**

**Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus/Trials of Apollo (Up to Burning Maze)**

**Magnus Chase**

**Kane Chronicles**

**The Hunger Games**

**Divergent**

**Aru Shah (Which isn't on Fanfiction right now)**

**Series of Unfortunate Events (Up to book 4)**

**T.V/Movie/Cartoon**

**Winx Club (Cartoon), Elf (Movie) and Liv and Maddie (T.V)**

Now, I'll quit before this becomes more A/N then story.


	14. Finally An Update!

**I am SO sorry if I didn't do this justice and I am aware that this story has decreased in quality. Also, tell me honestly: did Chapter 12 suck? Because I ****_will _****re-write it if enough people want me to****.**

**ALSO! As of now, I will also accept crossover requests (see last chapter's author's note at the beginning _and _end) from 'Hamilton'. I've just heard the soundtrack and loved it.**

* * *

_PART I(Asmodeus Stahl): _Draco, Pansy Parkinson, Daphne Greengrass, Dudley, Crabbe & Goyle (Just Draco and Daphne with mentions of others)

_PART II(Guest): _Harry, Dudley, Umbridge, Fudge

_PART III(Myself): _Harry, Teddy Lupin, James Sirius Potter, Albus Severus Potter, Lily Luna Potter, Marge.

* * *

PART I

"Who _are _you?" Dudley hissed, staring at the two blondes before him.

"My name is Draco and this is Daphne." The boy answered carefully. "We-We're looking around for a friend of ours: he has a kid he wants to send..."

Actually, they Ministry wanted them to check for Death Eaters, as Draco _was _one and could recognize them.

"So, kindly lead us in." Daphne simpered, brushing past him.

Dudley blushed and nodded, opening the door.

"So, are you two together?" The Dursley blurted out, turning even redder.

"Ugh, _no._ MALFOY is dating my little sister, Astoria."

"Err, who's the friend? With the kid?" Dudley attempted to start a chat.

"My old schoolmates, Pansy and Greg Goyle." Draco lied.

Daphne grunted. Dudley smiled suddenly.

"Hey Daphne, wanna go to prom with me?" Dudley asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Excuse me? I am _leaving!" _She threw her hair over her shoulder, waltzing out.

"Thanks a lot!" Draco hissed. "Now I have to do it myself, you _wascally wabbit!" _

Just like that, Dudley was standing alone again. Wo-o-o-ow.

* * *

PART II

"Err, Minister! Thanks _ever so much for telling the public that I'm a raving lunatic!" _Harry spat at Fudge.

Fudge took a step back, the vein in his forehead popping.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Umbridge roared. "CORNELIUS IS-"

"Whatta you doin 'ere?" Dudley grunted, appearing from behind a shelf.

"I'm sorry?" Harry asked politely.

"What're _you _doin' HERE?" Dudley rephrased.

"I'm sorry, sir but kindly leave! We are in the middle of-" Umbridge warned.

She didn't get the chance to finish her sentence. Dudley launched through the air like a rocket, throwing himself toward Umbridge, Fudge and Harry.

"DON'T TELL ME, DUDLEY DURSLEY, WHAT TO DO!"

"Young man!" The shopkeeper cried suddenly. "Please! Leave the poor civilians alone!"

"Who are you?" Dudley roared, before realizing the woman was very pretty and smoothing out his hair.

"I? I am Romily Joels, and you WILL NOT DISPLAY VIOLENCE IN **MY **SHOP!" Romily grabbed Dudley by the ear and threw him out of the shop.

Umbridge shrieked, dripping wet with all sorts of odors, and ran out. Fudge gave Harry one last withering look before following.

* * *

PART III

"COME ON, KIDS!" Harry yelled, laughing brightly.

Teddy, James, Albus and Lily (25, 19, 17 and 15 respectively) and he were hanging out, as it was Weasley Reunion Night. James, Albus and Lily were _technically _Weasleys, but they opted to spend time with their father instead.

"I'm not a kid! Al and Lil are the kids." James grumbled.

Harry patted him consolingly.

"Let's go get ice cream," Teddy suggested before an argument could break out.

"I want chocolate!" James screeched.

"Well, I want chocolate _frog!" _Albus added.

"I want Rocky Road!" Lily jumped up and down.

"You take them, I'll be right back." Harry murmured as the his kids walked into Diagon Alley; he'd just seen a woman across the street.

After making sure they were safely out if London, he tried to slip by her unnoticed: of course, she noticed him.

"BOY!" It was a small alley and they were alone so Marge had no qualms about yelling. "Scrawny as always; ha! You deserved those stairs!''

"Uncle Harry?" Teddy called, leading the kids back into the alley. "I forgot the money, can-Oh! Who are you?"

The four of them looked down at the scene; Harry and Marge, both angry and bitter.

"Kids!" Harry breathed, trying to push down horrible memories of the Dursleys. "This is my Uncle's sister: Aunt Marge. Say hello, guys."

"Hi, Aunt Marge." James, Albus, Lily and Teddy drawled.

"Ugh. I suppose these are your..._kids? _Who would be crazy enough to marry you? Bet the children are freaks as well- I remember how you were!"

"LET'S GO!" Harry roared. "We should be getting home."

The encounter had Teddy, Lily, Albus and James wondering about Harry's past. They never brought it up however and it soon left their minds entirely.

* * *

**I'm seriously asking: is Chapter 12 incredibly bad?**


	15. 5 in 1 AGAIN!

MY NEW UPDATE SCHEDULE: Probably every Saturday evening, but that may differ.

**Don't attack me! I am working on a rewrite of Chapter 12, but it may take a few weeks.**

* * *

PART I: Harry, Arthur, Molly, and Petunia (I changed it to a burping contest for realistic reasons)

PART II: Fred, George, Rita, and Marge

PART III: Hermione, Goyle (I know you said Crabbe but he died, so...), Dudley

PART IV: Bellatrix, Umbridge, and Petunia

PART V: Minerva, Dumbledore, Wormtail, Lucius, and Vernon

* * *

PART I (AU of the summer before CoS)

"Hello?" Molly knocked on the door. Her sons had planned on flying in the dead of night to pick up Harry but she'd decided to come with Arthur instead.

Harry's aunt snapped out of her shock and nodded.

"HARRY?" Petunia yelled. "Your friend's parents are here!"

Harry looked thinner and more haunted then last year, but nobody paid it any thought.

_Burp, Burp, Burp-Burp! _Arthur's signal for a burping contest.

_BURP! BURP! BURP! _Molly croaked out.

"UGH! Out with you, disgusted, honestly!" Petunia screeched, pushing Harry out of the house.

Harry grinned at them brightly.

* * *

PART II (CoS (Summer at the Burrow) )

Fred and George were by the lake with Harry. They seriously debated leaving when the walrus-woman named Marge walked in.

"BOYS!' Marge hissed to them, before muttering some things they were glad they couldn't hear.

The twins nodded to each other. Fred slowly, precisely, landed a fireball on Marge's head.

She screamed, running into the water.

Rita cackled, taking notes. _Red-Head Attacks Innocent Muggle! _What a _scandalous _story-line.

"Hey guys?" Harry grinned. "Thanks. For doing that, I mean." The twins would often wonder what he meant- did he know the woman?

But nevertheless, the memory struck as one of the best times they'd ever had with Harry.

* * *

PART III

The Inter-House Issuance was Hermione Granger's _sole _annoyance. Voldemort was gone, that was about the best she could wish for...but now they were re-doing their seventh year and McGonagall sprung _this _on them?

Basically, they were spending _one. Whole. Week. _Of Christmas vacation with someone from another house.

She was ready to lecture Harry & Ron for groaning (Harry had gotten Cho, Ron had gotten Ernie), before realizing that she had gotten Gregory Goyle. The same one who had tried to kill her. Wands had been confiscated but...gods forbid he try something!

They had gone to an all-you-can-eat-buffet and sat next to a pudgy blonde pig- I MEAN MAN!

"Hey." A waiter brought them some water. "So, I take it you two are brothers? Did you kidnap this woman? Because she's _way _out of your league." Hermione turned red as Goyle and the blonde (Dudley) jumped to their feet and punched the waiter. The Waiter scrambled away, screaming, "I NEED A NEW JOB!"

Hermione slipped out the door. _She _wasn't getting in trouble with the Ministry.

Better to let Goyle take the fall.

* * *

PART IV

Petunia woke in the hospital. Apparently she'd been unconscious.

She thought about her day and almost passed out again.

The toad woman who went to Petunia's book club, Dolores, had been screaming nonsense in the library: "HE'S NOT BACK! SOON YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL REMEMBER YOU BELONG TO ME **AND THE MINISTRY!"**

Then the other woman, NAME TAG: _Bella_, had literally bulged. Her eyes widened. Her hair floated like a halo over her head. Her arms and legs spread wide and she screamed, "CRUCIO! SECTUMSEMPRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The second jet of let, _magic!, _hit Dolores and blood gushed from her arm.

Petunia had screamed, eyes rolling back in her head as she fainted in an elegant arc (she liked to think).

She was resigning from the book club...and the library...and her friendship with Dolores.

* * *

PART V

"DUMBLEDORE!" Lucius roared, jumping in front of the Hogwarts teachers.

"DUMBLY-DORE!" Wormtail echoed.

The two fumbled out their wands.

"_Avada-"_

_"Cruci-"_

"Expelliarmus!" McGonagall drawled.

The men instantly fell to the ground. They Apparated away because _you do **not **mess with McGonagall more than once and live to tell the story!_

McGonagall and Dumbledore walked into the sunset, lighting a cigar and cigarette.


	16. Eliza is a cinnamon roll

**Re-write of Chapter 12 is up! I also mashed some requests, because there were _so _many...**

* * *

PART I (IChangedMyNane990 and ThatRandomGuyLoud's request): Bellatrix, Narcissa, Rita, Katniss(Hunger Games), Wormtail and Petunia

PART II (Someone and Guest's request): Sirius, Bellatrix, Druella(Bellatrix's mom), Vernon , Greyback, Hermione, Petunia and Dudley

PART III (Guest and Guest's request): Harry, Dolores, Pansy, Marge, Vernon, Petunia and Dudley

PART IV (Guest's request and Eliza, who I inserted.): Aru Shah, Aaron Burr, Severus Snape, Dudley Dursley, Eliza Schuyler-Hamilton

* * *

PART I

"YOU!" Bellatrix screamed as Rita Skeeter walked into a shop: no wizards _ever _came here, bar Rita, so it was safe to assume she wouldn't be going back to Azkaban. "HOW DARE YOU? YOU WRITE _LIES _ABOUT MY BROTHER-IN-LAW? SHAME HIM? SAY THAT MY SISTER-MY **BABY **SISTER- SHOULD GO TO AZKABAN?"

Narcissa smiled softly, sipping her tea. Bella was always quick to rush to Narcissa's defense: less quick, however, to rush to Andromeda's...

Petunia smirked at the three women, one black-haired and two blonde. This was drama and Petunia _loved _drama.

"Hey Rita." Narcissa cooed. "Look at your pants."

"It-IT'S TEA!" Rita screeched: nobody believed her.

"Oh, but Rita!" Wormtail joined in. "We're _all _wizards here!" Petunia screamed, pouring all over her blouse.

Narcissa, Bellatrix and Wormtail had crowded around Rita, mocking her.

"HEY!" Katniss Everdeen now stood there, hands notching bow. "Leave 'Rita' alone...if there's one thing I _hate_, it's people who fight for entertainment." She shot Wormtail in the arm, Bellatrix in the leg and glared at Narcissa before helping Petunia up.

"Thank you! Oh mam, my savior, you-" Rita began.

"Don't be weak!" Katniss growled.

* * *

PART II

Vernon, Petunia and Dudley were having a nice, freak-free, spring day.

They were sitting in the park and eating, eating, eating, eating, eating, did I say eating?, eating,eating,eating,eating.

You get the point: they love food.

Anyway, it so happens that Fenrir Greyback and Bellatrix Lestrange were scouting that very park, that very day.

It _also _so happens that Hermione Granger was taking a nice walk, again, the very same day.

"YOU THERE!" Greyback roared, bounding over to the Dursleys, all three of whom were shaking in fear. "I think I'll just kidnap you..." He bared his teeth, causing the family to huddle closer.

"OR maybe..." Greyback paused for dramatic effect. "I'll just take the woman and child! Or perhaps..._just _the child."

He grinned before falling over with a knife in his back. Hermione Grangers knife, that is. Hermione herself now stood over him, scowling.

"Get out." The bookworm advised. "He'll recover soon." The Dursleys headed her warning, walking through the park- and seeing Bellatrix.

She was wrestling a large black dog and Hermione crouched behind a tree, watching worriedly.

Bella was thrust back and the dog leaped on top of her, victorious.

"BELLATRIX DRUELLA LESTRANGE NEE BLACK!" The ghost of a woman with short, flouncy hair and an elegant gown screamed at her daughter. "HOW DARE YOU LOSE TO A TRAITOR? I CAME HERE FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE TO SEE YOU **WIN!" **

Vernon knocked his head against a tree and tried to forget the whole thing.

* * *

PART III

Harry groaned, looking around the Supermarket for a place to hide.

The Dursleys were having a dinner party with Aunt Marge and _he _was to do the shopping. But how when Umbridge and Pansy Parkinson were standing a few feet away.

"Hey, losers!" Harry called, pleased to see the two turn to him. "You know Fudge will _never _fall in love with you, right Umbridge? And she is _using _you, Pansy."

The-Boy-Who-Lived grinned, running out before the women could reply.

_***************_^^^^^^^^^^^^^_!

That night, Marge came over, glaring at Harry.

"So you're still here? Just like your wish-wash parents-" Harry fought to keep his temper in check. _Do **not **blow Marge up again...not matter how much she deserves it...keep calm._

But there's only so much a guy can take! Marge's hand inflated to the size of a washing machine before shrinking down again.

"HOW DARE YOU BLOW HER UP AGAIN?" Vernon roared, running at Harry with his fists curled. However, the Dursley patriarch tripped over the glass Marge had dropped (Marge herself was unconscious on the ground: she had fainted with shock) and was sent tumbling.

"YOW!" Vernon cursed. "THAT DARN SPIDER _BIT _ME! SOMEONE SQUASH IT!" He looked down at the spider bite and promptly fainted next to Marge.

Dudley rushed to squash the spider but made his father's mistake...he, too, tripped over the pieces of glass and crashed into the sausages and eggs. Dudley promptly went into a food coma.

Petunia shrieked and tried to heave her son up but cigarettes fell out of her purse and the matriarch pretended collapse next to the three other Dursleys.

"Aunt Petunia smokes?" Harry wondered, shaking his head. "Eh-they won't remember this anyway! _Obliviate."_

* * *

PART IV (Partly inspired by 'Coco'.)

Aaron Burr was a ghost. That much he knew. He also realized that he was in...England? Next to a greasy man donned in black.

"Mr...oh, well you are but a _ghost_." The black-donned man sneered. "I am Severus Snape, Potions Professor of Hogwarts...you must be a wizard if you are a ghost, I assume."

Burr's mind was spiraling. _Wizard? Potions? Hogwarts?_

"AAAAH! A GHOST!" A piggy young man dropped out of a tree, holding a weapon. "I AM DUDLEY DURSLEY, THE HALLOWEEN GHOST KING!" Dudley was dressed in a white quilt wrapped up to his neck and a plastic crown.

"How old _are _you?" Snape scoffed.

"I'm only 5 and _definitely not too old to be obsessed with trick-or-treating!" _Dudley screeched.

"Actual age?" Snape jested.

"16." Dudley amended.

Snape and Burr (who didn't understand 'trick-or-treating' but knew that 16 was probably too old****) laughed merrily until another ghost fell to the pavement.

"WHOA!" All four heads, even the new ghost, snapped toward Aru Shah. "GHOSTS! Wait till I tell Mini and Boo." She spun around, braid flapping behind her, and disappeared.

"E-E-Eliza!" Burr gulped, turning to face the spirit of Eliza Shuyler-Hamilton. "You look nice."

Snape and Dudley watched in amazement as Eliza raised a shoe and whipped Burr across the face with it.

"_THAT IS FOR MURDERING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! _Oh, who am I kidding, he was a cheater! I almost feel bad that Ms. Reynolds had to put up with him! At least you looked after Theodosia till she died."

Eliza sighed and smiled at Burr softly, beckoning him towards her.

"Come Aaron...Hercules Mulligan, John Laurens and Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette (A/N: I HAD TO COPY & PASTE THAT! Lafayette, who would _do _that to you?) are waiting for you on the other side. As well as bot your Theodosia's. And Angelica, Peggy and I...and, yes, Alex too. You can be how you were again...Aaron Burr, Sir."

Aaron smiled and took Eliza's hand, gliding back to the spirit world where he, Theodosia and Theodosia II could live in peace.

"Well?" Snape snapped. "Why are you still here, boy? Scram!" Dudley waddled away quickly.

* * *

****I don't mean any offense to people 16 or above who like trick-or-treating, I admire your child-like sense of wonder and enjoy it myself, albeit being younger than that.


	17. Fainting All Around!

**I'm so sorry! I forgot about this story for a while!**

Leo, Hera/Tia Callida, Bellatrix, Petunia: PART I

Harry, Voldemort, Fudge, Umbridge, Dudley, Tonks, Wormtail, Petunia: PART II

Ginny, Lockhart, Harry, Sybill, Vernon, Petunia, Dudley: PART III

* * *

PART I

"HEY, MUGGLE!" Bellatrix screeches/laughs. Or maybe both? "HAVE SOME OF THIS! _Crucio!" _

Petunia screams, pain racking her body. A thousand knives pierce her, her mind threatens to split. She wants it to stop. The curse has stopped but the pain is there.

_Lily is a witch: she's not. Lily is special: she's not. Lily is beautiful: she is not. Lily is kind and friendly: she is not. Lily is the pride and joy of their parents' lives: she is not. _**Lily is a good sister: she is not. **

_Was_, Petunia corrects herself, still screaming from the pain of that curse. _Lily _was _all those things but Lily is gone now._

Hera's anger flares up on Olympus. Sure, Petunia has spoiled her son and ruined her nephew but the woman is a good wife, supportive of her husband and not afraid to take charge.

And Hera will not accept _Bellatrix, _who doesn't even _care _about her husband, hurting her.

But, as always, demigods to the rescue!

Leo Valdez swoops in and roars like a lion. His voice shakes the trees and moves the mountains. He has seen too much to allow this woman to be hurt. The flames flew from him, casing Bellatrix in a ring of fire. The mortals stare at him for a second then shrug and get on with their day. He helps Petunia to her feet, salutes, and runs off again.

Hera smiles with her pride. Her hero has saved another life...as she always knew he would.

* * *

PART II

"Stop. Spreading. Lies. Potter." Fudge snarled, tipping his bowler hat.

"What lies?" Harry asks innocently. "I was just eating some French Fries with my darling cousin here."

Dudley grunts and keeps eating.

"Lies about You-Know-Who." Umbridge scoffs.

"What lies?" Someone echoes. Umbridge and Fudge wheel around. Standing behind them...is Voldemort.

They faint. Dudley looks up from his true love (food) to see Voldy's face. He faints too.

Voldemort scoffs and Apparates away.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Petunia runs into Harry. She takes a long look at Dudley's unconscious body and faints alongside the other three.

Harry looks outside to see what she was running from and he pales.

Wormtail and Tonks are dueling. And Wormtail

(read: _scum who betrayed his best friend's family, left them to die, accused his other bestie of their murder, left his OTHER bestie without a job and ruined everyone's life and above all that couldn't even stay faithful to Voldy.)_

was winning.

"_BINDIO!" _Tonks yells. Wormtail is lashed against a pillar and, you guessed it, faints.

Tonks winks at Harry and gestures to the door. They leave together.

Dudley tries to convince himself it was all a nightmare.

* * *

**A/N: I had a way better version of PART II eventually written out but it got deleted. I wrote another version. It got deleted. This is the third version...it's not perfect, okay?**

* * *

PART III (Summer after Half-Blood Prince)

"HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ginny Weasley froze. She knew that voice.

"Lockhart." Ginny sighed. But turning around, she saw that her former teacher had not spoken to her.

He was speaking to a family, offering to sell them the book _Voyages With Vampires. _Standing aside was Harry, so she assumed these must be the Dursley's.

Harry waved to her and her heart skipped a beat. She blushed and smiled at him, her freckles glowing in the light of the sun.

"Well!" It was only now that Ginny noticed Sybill Trelawney there too. "You, Mr. Dursley are doomed to die in 5 years."

"What?!" Vernon asked, panicking.

"Yes." Sybill nodded. "You will explode from eating too many potato chips. And you, Mrs. Dursley, will die at the age of 69. You will sob because you are a failure in life and drown in your tears. Dudley, you will throw yourself off the roof because nobody likes you...then the fandom will start appreciating you again and you'll recover. But then you will get sick and die at 92."

The Dursley's screamed and ran away.

Harry sighed and began walking behind them.


	18. CROSSOVER SUPREME

**I've been wanting to do this crossover for some time so...here it is! Includes some _price-less _Dursley freak-outs.**

**FANDOMS INCLUDED: Percy Jackson, Hamilton, Hunger Games, Divergent, The Maze Runner.**

"Where am I?" Dudley Dursley murmured, getting to his feet slowly. He was in a strange room, filled with white light, no longer an old man but a teenager.

"Hello, Dudley." He whipped around at his name. "Or, as you may, Ickle Diddykins?" The speaker, a young girl in a white frock and headscarf, smirked.

"Dudley is fine." He grumbled. "The last thing I remember is...is...oh. I'm dead?"

That would explain the light, how he looked young and wholesome, thinner than ever. Even Dudley's dumb brain got there...

"Yes." The little girl swung her feet, floating through the air.

"So..." Dudley muttered. "_You _are god? God-God?"

"My name is Aura." The girl smiled as she gracefully landed on the misty floor. "And, no, I am not _god. _I am, though you may not believe it, _Death." _

The now teen-boy blanched.

"Anyway." Aura grinned, her eyes suddenly glowing red. Dudley took a step back. "This is the afterlife."

"So, am I in heaven?" Dudley grinned jauntily.

"There's no heaven or hell, there's just sections. We call them FANDOMS. And you, my friend, will choose one. Come, let's go on a tour, I'm tired today."

Dudley took a step forward and grabbed Aura's extended hand and they were suddenly in another room.

* * *

This one had quills, parchment, type-writers, computers. The walls were tacked up with photos, families and friends...it was luxurious, an elegant row of tables and never-ending supplies. There was only one man inside but Dudley peered through the glass wall and saw other houses with men and women doing the same thing. There seemed to be books everywhere he looked.

Writing quickly behind a table was a young man in 1800's clothing. His red hair was pulled back in a ponytail and his violet-blue eyes shone furiously. A poster on his wall showed a star with the outline of a man and read 'HAMILTON'.

"That's Alexander." Aura explained. "But he lets me call him 'Alex'. This is the 'HAMILTON FANDOM'. Basically, reading and writing _paradise. _Most revolutionaries end up here. Alex's wife, Elizabeth, lives in the house along with her children and sisters. He takes weekends off to spend time with them: one thing he learned when he was alive. His mother comes over once in a while...occasionally, when Elizabeth is with her parents, he'll visit his brother. But you don't like this, do you?" She added, noticing his disgusted expression.

"Let's try another one." Dudley agreed.

"Alright."

* * *

Another room came into view. This one was filled with hedges. People seemed to be running through and around. Teenagers everywhere.

A map of the maze shone above their heads.

"The Maze Runner FANDOM." Aura grinned, her eyes glowing again. "See? There's Newt and Sonya. Oh! Minho and Alby are arguing. Thomas is trying to get Brenda and Teresa to calm down, poor guy. Basically the exercise region, they all keep doing this maze before settling down and having a _nice, relaxing day. _Then the next day they do it again. Next day they relax...Nah, you hate exercise. Not for you, this one."

Dudley nodded, horrified.

"Maybe, maybe." Aura thought for a second before her eyes brightened. "This might work."

* * *

The new room had _5 _different buildings, each taller and wider than Dudley had ever seen. The word "FACTIONS" was plastered on every one. Two in the back was pristine black and looked dull.

But Aura lead him into the red one.

People were shooting guns at targets, throwing knives at walls, punching each other or eating cake. Dudley smiled...he could be happy here.

The leaders, a muscular man with the number '4' on his shirt and a small, petite blonde girl, looked at him quizzically and Aura blushed, pulling him out again.

"Sorry." Death murmured. "This is the Divergent FANDOM but seeing as you're technically...well, Tris and Four would be fine with it, I'm sure but the order of...well, you just can't be here."

Dudley blinked, confused as to _why exactly he couldn't be here when he liked it so much, _but Aura was already whisking him away.

* * *

He was in a city. Aura had smiled when they landed and automatically pulled Dudley into a large building that was sealed off completely from the rest of the city.

Inside? Chaos. Numbers 1-12 were written on the door and spears, knives, arrows, axes were flying.

"The Hunger Games FANDOM." Aura laughed. "The city is...well, normal. But here? A fight to the death, if that's what you really want to do. But you can't die! You die and come back for more."

Dudley looked queasy at that and he DEFINITELY didn't want to live in a boring city.

"Show me another one." He begged.

* * *

This looked like a Summer Camp. Everyone had either an orange or purple T-Shirt.

"The Riordan-Verse FANDOM!" Aura squealed. "This is _Elysium. _It's _wonderful. _You and Rachel Dare...will _definitely murder each other!_ Maybe..."

She doesn't take him away this time, the feeling of air flying through his body doesn't come. Instead, he's simply on the the side of the field.

"Where are we now?" Dudley asks, groaning.

"Valhalla...no, the Riordan-Verse just _isn't _for you. I won't even SHOW you the Kane Chronicles part. You'd get sick of it. There is only ONE more option...There's several more FANDOMS but like I said, I'm tired. Let's get it over with."

OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMGodOhMyGod...Dudley was is hell. That was the only way to describe it. Monsters...Fire...Hunger...Aura turned to him. Her eyes were red and her teeth were were crooked. She smiled viciously, her auburn hair turning black and her skin getting paler and more gaunt. "_Your chooooooooice." _She hissed.

* * *

Dudley awoke, gasping. He'd had the _worst _nightmare but he couldn't seem to recall it...something about a girl named Aura?

He didn't notice the Witch and Wizard laughing at his expense.


	19. Lily and James

**To: Guest: I tried writing one before, but it didn't turn out very well. I never published it. Do you have any ideas?**

_Sirius, Wormtail, Petunia_

_ (Almost a play on words: rather, instead of being attacked by Wormtail, Sirius is attacked by the _memory _of Wormtail. I hope that isn't dissapointing)_

* * *

Sirius Black should not have been there, in a muggle park. What if someone recognized him? He had Harry to think about!

But he was. And so it happened that he ran into Petunia Dursley.

Lately, Sirius couldn't stop thinking about Peter Pettigrew.

That was to be expected, of course. But these days, Sirius had **been attacked by Wormtail**'s memory.

His presence was nagging in the back of Sirius' mind. And Petunia simply brought back a memory...Lily and James' first kiss.

* * *

_Lily was sobbing into crook of her arm by the Lake. Sirius could hear Peter snickering next to him. _(**He hadn't though****t much of it that day but now it made him grit his teeth.**)

_"What's wrong, Lily-Flower?" James asked, concerned. _

_Lily shook her head and cried harder._

_"I brought you some flowers to cheer you up, Evans, you like that right?" James whispered. Remus put a placating hand on Lily's shoulder and Sirius shot Peter a look. _(**Stupid rat...**)

_James takes out a handful of petunia's  and shows them to Lily. She screamed, breaking down once and for all. Her barriers fell, her dams broke, she wailed and Peter did not wipe the smile off his face the whole time. _(**How did they not realize that? They never saw him and he was right in front of them the whole time...**)

_"What's wrong, Lily?" Sirius asked, sitting next to her on the grass._

_"It'll help if you tell us." Remus offered, patting her back. _

_"P-Petunia!" Lily's shoulders shook and James' eyes widened. Had he hurt Lily somehow with his flowers?_

_"My sister, Pet-Petun-tunia. Sh-she says th-that I'm a-a-a FREAK! And th-that V-Vernon th-thinks so too! And...Sev-Severus used to-to help me f-feel better a-after 'Tu-tuney sent me a-a letter...but now he w-wo-WON'T TALK TO ME! I-I'm scared th-that Death E-Eat-Eaters...will g-get Tuney and I-I...she w-won't l-l-listen to...my warning..." James' hands flew to his mouth and Sirius and Remus looked stricken...Peter was looking out over the lake. _(**How dare he just sit there while Lily sobbed?**)

_"She's wrong." James whispered, hugging Lily close. "You are beautiful and so, so talented. Lily, NEVER believe that you're a freak. Dumbledore can protect your sister...as for Severus, maybe...maybe you can make up with him, later?"_

_Everyone gapes at him. Peter falls flat on his face._

_Lily smiles softly and looks up at James' eyes. _

_"Sev always said she looked like a horse." James laughed and Lily leaned up, her mouth puckered._

* * *

"Hello, Petunia." Sirius said quietly. "I see you still look like a horse."


	20. An Ode To The Hamil-Fans

**And...the countdown begins! Not counting this chapter, we will have only 7 more! Time to wrap this up but let's see if we can get to 100 reviews: that would be (totally) awesome.**

_Parte Uno: _Fred, George, Umbridge, Marge, and Dudley

Part II: Remus, Bellatrix, Vernon, and Petunia

Part III: Nico di Angelo, Thalia Grace (Percy Jackson), Vernon Dursley, Albus Dumbledore

* * *

_Parte __Uno (After the Battle Of Hogwarts)_

"Let's go son!" George Weasley chortled. A 'Don't Call Me Son!' was heard from his younger brother. Umbridge and Marge were sitting at opposite ends of the shop when the two men came around.

"Hello!" One had grinned. "My name is George and this is my charming brother Ron. We wondered if you would like to try our new recipe's? We were thinking of opening a restaurant.

Here, Miss Umbridge, take this cake."

Umbridge knew these two, perhaps from Hogwarts where she had been teaching decades before. Her suspicions were confirmed when 'George' leaned in and place the _cat shaped _cake in front of her.

"You are _quite _famous in the Wizarding Food Chain. We are honored to meet you, Senora."

She blushed and began digging into the cake, noticing that Marge had been given a dog shaped one. Suddenly they both shot up out of their seats and raced into the pristine bathroom...The _Men's _bathroom.

**The _Men's _bathroom where _Vernon and Dudley _were walking out.**

"Laxatives in the cake!" Ron chortled. "Genius! Now here come some more!"

"What happened?" Vernon growled. "Do you know why the women left? One is my sister!"

"Ah!" George sighed. "The restaurant food did not sit well. I am George, this is Ron...would you like to eat some of _our _food? I trust it will _fill _you right up!"

Vernon gave a small glance towards the restaurant owners: two men who lived above the building.

"Very sorry, sir! We will work on fixing that up..." One nodded.

"Take some food from these strappin' young men!" The other grinned.

"I'd rather not." Vernon growled but Dudley had already taken a sweet called, 'Fred's Fun Fraise Tagada' which had _BURNED A HOLE THROUGH HIS TONGUE!_

They screamed and ran out of the shop, Umbridge and Marge still in the bathroom. The shop owners flashed the Weasley Brothers a smile...Ron smiled back.

Because the shop owners? They were none other then Seamus and Dean Thomas-Finnegan

* * *

**PART II**

"YOU!" Remus Lupin's scream had cut through the air. He was slow to anger but he toed the the line as he reckoned with the effects of her life on his.

Every place he had failed, he had gone back and checked...the only common thread was Bellatrix's cruel nature.

She had tortured Alice and Frank, she had tortured their _son. _She had killed _Sirius. _And then dared to taunt Harry about it!

Now? They were dueling, unaware of the muggles gaping at them.

Three muggles. The Dursleys.

"STUPID WITCHES AND WIZARDS!" Vernon roared.

"He must be insane!" Was heard scattered throughout the park.

* * *

**PART III (An ode to the Hamil-Fan Potterheads of the Percy Jackson Fandom)**

Vernon Dursley remembered that night, he just might regret that night for the rest of his days. He remembered those rowdy teenagers that _did not _win his praise. He remembered those dreamlike stars, that shone their light right in his face.

But he would never forget the first time he saw their faces. He's on his own now, I'll let him tell it.

_"Sorr-" Vernon had started to say before looking the boy he had crashed into up and down._

_He was pale (like, literally the color of snow) and he was dressed fully in black. There was even a skull shaped ring on his finger! The nerve! Vernon growled. This boy was, or at least **dressed **like an emo. _

_And that did not sit well with Vernon Dursley who was a perfectionist, or at least thought he was._

_"So." Vernon hissed."You, an **emo **boy, have the nerve to walk right in to me and NOT apologize?"_

_The boy seemed to blink before nodding and getting to his feet._

_"Sorry." He mumbled with such sass that Vernon actually turned purple._

_"Sorry SIR, emo boy!" He roared._

_"Excuse me, _sir._" It was the girl with him, who was even LESS to Vernon's liking, looking much like him except for her blue eyes and streaks in her hair (along with a crown?). "I don't think my _cousin _here has to apologize to you at all! And I'll let you you know that his name is Nico di Angelo. I'm Thalia, by the way."_

_She, too, spoke with such sass. Though, I mean, duh, Vernon! They are related to Persassy Jackson._

_"Uh, whatever." Vernon grumbled._

_Next thing he knew he was being chased by skeletons and attacked by lightning bolts._

And he knew...he'd be happier without them in his life. Vernon was Helpless. Because until they killed him? They would never be Satisfied.


	21. Harry is the SASS-MASTER!

**Haha! I laughed SOOO hard while writing this. Only 6 more chapters to go people, so send in those requests! If we can get this to 100 reviews before that, I'll write a sequel! **

PART I: Remus, Greyback, Petunia, Dudley

Part II: Harry, Umbridge, Fudge, Petunia

* * *

PART I

**Petunia**

It was the night of the full moon and Petunia knew she shouldn't be out. _Lily _had told her about _werewolves. _But Dudley had fallen asleep and she couldn't wake him! He had woken himself at 11:30, which really was too late. Heavens know he was too precious for her to deny him rest. So here they were, walking in the park at midnight.

The moon gleamed like a crystal ball in a dark room and the stars shone brighter than Petunia had ever seen them. She took a deep breath and clutched her son's hand, afraid for the future and regretting the past.

It was peaceful.

But peaceful things never do last for long.

**Remus**

Remus knew it was a bad idea, a _horrible _idea, as soon as he walked into the park. But Fenrir Greyback had challenged Remus to a werewolves duel. Had insulted Remus' _pack. _So he had accepted.

But surely there would be no civilians. No one to get hurt. Nobody who could possibly be damaged by Remus' stupidity.

Even so, he couldn't shake the feeling that the peace would not last once he started fighting.

He'd taken Wolfsbane but he doubted Greyback had. However no muggle would walk through this part of the woods at night! Nobody was that dumb...nobody except Petunia and Dudley.

**Dudley**

Dudley could not WAIT to get home and eat, eat, eat! He loved to eat, eat, eat! Suddenly there was a loud crash. Maybe it was a food truck so he could eat, eat, eat!

(The rest of Dudley's thoughts are equally about food so I'll go back to Petunia)

**Petunia**

Petunia screamed as the loud crash sounded but Dudley was already bounding toward the glen so she followed, her hands shaking as she attempted to calm down her beating heart.

Oh, goodness!

"Werewolves!" Dudley whispered, screwing up his face. "That's so FREAKY! THEY'RE FREAKS!"

Petunia groaned, pulling her son to the floor as the werewolves looked over. One had blues eyes, the other grey.

She breathed heavily as Dudley groaned, drifting back to sleep. They were both tired, hungry and wet (from their fear) and they did _not _need to die.

They managed to sneak away. Just barely.

One thing was for sure: they needed new pants- and quick!

* * *

**PART II (Summer before Half-Blood Prince)**

"Oh, Corny!" Umbridge giggled, moving toward Cornelius Fudge in the muggle supermarket.

Harry gagged, but Aunt Petunia glared and pulled him by the ear. She dropped him near a shelf and left to pick something up.

"Dolly!" Fudge gave a high pitched laugh as she tumbled forward into his arms.

They kissed passionately and Harry moaned, looking away.

Suddenly Harry found himself flying backwards. The three other people (aside from Petunia who was still in another aisle) in the store had rammed into him in their haste to get to the trash-can before they vomited.

"Hey gits!" Harry yelled. They broke apart and glared at him. "Gosh, I can't wait to see your child: it'll look like a toad, taking after it's mother. And it'll have no brains, just like it's father!"

He snapped on a pair of sunglasses and sashayed out of the store.


	22. Vernon Faints Even More Than Jason Grace

PART I: Ginny, Snape, Marge

PART II: Irma Pince, Wormtail, Petunia, Dudley)

PART III: Harry, Minerva, Umbridge, and Vernon

PART IV: Annabeth, Vernon, and Rodolphus

**Question- **What would the sequel be about?: I'm not sure but let's finish this story first, yeah? I'm trying to focus on my Hamilton story, 'Don't Throw Away Your Shot', but I've started brainstorming.

* * *

PART I

Marjorie Dursley was proud to say that she was _not _a reader, thank you very much. She thought it was for weaklings and the _only _reason she was in that dratted bookshop was because Dudley needed new school books. Marge had never seen reason to read but _whatever. _She would do _anything _for her neffy-poo.

The only other people in the shop were a young red-haired teenager and a pallid black-haired man.

They were discussing something that Marge paid no mind to. She simply bought the algebra book, ignored the cashier, and walked away. This time, the teenager and the man were arguing.

Marge rolled her eyes. _Brawling in public! What dunderheads! Nothing like my Vernon and Dudley-oh, Petunia too, I suppose._

"WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT A VAMPIRE LIKE YOU!" Red-Haired Teenager yelled, her hands balling into fists at her side.

Marge froze. Black-Haired Man had stalked away and Red had followed him but _vampire? _

"FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAKS!" Marge screamed. "I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE READING!"

"Miss!" The Cashier was appalled. "Please! I must ask you to leave, as you are causing a scene! Also, this is a dog-free bookshop and I kindly wish for you to take your pet elsewhere!"

Ripper bit Marge's hand...

Seriously, nobody likes Marge...

Not even her dog.

* * *

PART II (Sequel to Part I of Chapter 21)

Petunia and Dudley were still walking home. They were scared to, after the werewolf fiasco, but they managed.

The only problem? They were lost.

**Petunia**

Petunia trembled as she and Dudley stood under a light. Vernon was surely asleep still...he had been when they left the house.

Would he notice they were gone if they didn't find their way back? No, he had to go to Grunnings early tomorrow morning! He wouldn't even _notice _until at least tomorrow evening. Maybe later if he fell asleep early again.

Oh, goodness! Petunia clutched Dudley closer, whimpering. It was then that she noticed how _wet _Dudley's arm was- he had been CHEWING on it!

Petunia almost sobbed. Her precious Popkin! He must be _hungry! _

Petunia spotted an older woman reading a book on a bench. Aha! Maybe Petunia and Dudley could ask her for directions?

**Madam Irma Pince**

Irma had been reading a _wonderful _muggle book- Last Chance To See-  when a pale, blonde woman and her son had asked where they were.

"We're at the start of the trail in the park...Oh, _Stupefy!" _She managed to stun Peter Pettigrew and give Petunia directions _without even looking up from her book._

"Cheeeeeeeeese." Dudley moaned, smelling it in Wormtail's pocket.

Petunia, who had re-wet her pants, grabbed his arm to stop him.

* * *

PART III

"Hello, _Professor _Umbridge!" Harry drawled. "Are you excited about your trial? You're going to AZKABAN!"

Umbridge's face welled up as she pulled out a wand and opened her mouth.

"I must ask you to stop, Dolores." Minerva McGonagall smirked. "Because here are three reasons you are the worst: Number one, you supported Fudge and laid a clear pathway for Voldemort to gain power! Number two, you _tortured _many students, including Lee Jordan and Harry here. Number three (I know my sister like I know my own...No? Really?), that annoying cough. HAVE A COUGH-DROP!

Here is a biscuit, Potter."

Harry and Minerva walked away, chomping on some biscuits as Umbridge fumed.

She wheeled around and let her fist fly.

She managed to hit Vernon in the face! Maybe she _does _have potential...

Just kidding, Umbridge sucks!

* * *

PART IV

"Excuse me?" Vernon looked up in annoyance. The person who was speaking to him was a blonde girl in an orange shirt. _Orange! _"I'm looking for my boyfriend? He's missing- has been for weeks. Have you seen a teenager named Percy anywhere?"

"No." Vernon sneered, eyes widening as Rodolpus Lestrange began creeping up behind Annabeth. Lestrange extended a hand to grab her and...

WHAM! Annabeth slammed the Death Eater against the wall, pressing his neck with her knife.

"Don't you dare!" The Daughter of Athena hissed.

Vernon fainted on the spot and missed the rest of the show-down.


	23. Dudley Hates Tea

PART I: Annabeth, Colin Creevey, Dudley

PART II: Dumbledore, Minerva, Voldemort, Bellatrix, Dudley

* * *

**PART I**

"Excuse me?" Colin looked up to see a girl in an Orange T-Shirt looking at him desperately. "I'm Annabeth Chase and I'm looking for my boyfriend Percy? Teenager, about 5'10, black-hair, sea-green eyes?"

"Sorry, haven't seen him but wait! I'm Colin, by the way!" Colin rambled, clicking his camera. Annabeth blinked as it took her picture.

Colin looked over the picture and frowned.

"What?" Annabeth asked curiously.

"You're blonde! In the movies, you had _brown _hair! And _blue _eyes!" Colin frowned.

"Colin..." Annabeth sighed, smiling softly. "The Percy Jackson movies are utter _trash. _Don't watch them...read the books! All of Mr. Riordan's books! _His_ version is the _real _version.

Colin nodded vigorously and Dudley staggered around, temporarily blinded by the light from Colin's camera.

* * *

**PART II**

Voldemort and Bellatrix were meeting for tea. Dudley was also meeting them.

The hoped to learn about Potter's weaknesses and his cousin seemed a good place to start.

However, Minerva and Dumbledore had _also _come to the tea shop, hoping to discuss some disturbing findings.

"Ah! Hello Tom. My greetings, Bella! How are Narcissa and Andy?" Dumbledore crooned.

Bellatrix grunted and Voldemort scowled, turning back to Dudley (who was gaping at the Hogwarts Teachers).

Dudley had, unknown to anyone, grabbed one of their scrolls and was attempting to read it.

"Did you know there's an alt-altar? Nat-uh? Universe. Where you have all switched roles!" The Dursley boy grunted, reading aloud with difficulty.

"Well!" Dumbles chuckled. "The Dark side would definitely win then! You two would rule Hogwarts."

Dudley's eyes widened as he realized these were _wizards. _

Dudley could later be seen screaming as he ran out of the tea shop.


	24. Don't Mess With Hogwarts

GUEST: I'm so sorry for reminding you of the Peter Johnson movies (They don't deserve to be called 'Percy Jackson') but it was a request from '4th Wall Breaker'. Believe me, it hurts to _write _about the Perry Johasson movies because Potato Janitor is so out of character and so are Annabelle Cheese and Grape Underpants. But let's put that all behind us, yeah?

Gosh, time goes by! I almost can't believe that (according to my update schedule) there is only going to be **4 **more after this! And the Epilogue, of course...but _wow. _This has been _such _a journey and I'm pretty sure we'll reach 100 reviews at the rate you guys are going...it's wonderful.

**Part I: Mad-Eye, Tonks, The Lestrange brothers, Petunia.**

**Part II: Minerva, Poppy, Alecto, Amycus, Vernon**

**Part III: Kingsley, Umbridge, Petunia**

**Part IV: Draco, Dudley**

* * *

PART I

"Constant Vigilance!" Mad-Eye roared, pulling Tonks aside as Rabastan Lestrange's hex almost hit her.

"Well, watch yourself!" Tonks smirked, tugging Mad-Eye out of Rodolphus's spell range.

A couple _Stupefies, Brachio Bindio's _and _Petrificus Totalus's _later, the two Death Eaters were bound and seconds away from Azkaban.

"I'll take it from here. " Mad-Eye promised. "Go rest, Dora."

"Okay." Tonks agreed.

As she walked, however, she couldn't help but notice the figure tailing her.

"Hello?" Yup. There it was: a blonde woman in a horrid peach dress. Petunia, her bag read. "I thought I just saw your hair change! But of course that would be freaky and abnormal to the extent where the person who's hair could change should be-"

Tonks's hair popped into a vibrant green and Petunia fainted on the spot.

Well, you _do not _mess with Hufflepuffs.

* * *

PART II

Minerva McGonagall was a proud Gryffindor. She was, however, very fond of the Hufflepuff house and was walking with Hufflepuff Poppy Pomfrey on a nice day after the war.

"Minerva! Are those...the Carrows?" Poppy gasped.

"I believe so, but I doubt we need worry. They don't seem to notice us."

"Yes, for they are advancing on that muggle man!" Poppy grabbed her wand and made to run for Vernon and the Carrows but Minerva held out a hand.

Poppy fell back. Minerva wanted to take care of them herself- she deserved the chance to do it.

"_Get. Out." _Minerva hissed. The Carrows nodded and ran, too afraid to speak.

The Transfiguration Professor lit a cigar. Vernon blanched, his eyes growing wide.

"Minerva!" Poppy scolded. "Smoking is incredibly bad for your lungs! Many a muggle has died from that!"

Vernon fell over and passed out, lying in the dirt while Minerva stepped on him and left.

Do not mess with a Gryffindor either.

* * *

PART III

Petunia _loved _karaoke night at the Coffee shop. Err, she used too. -

Umbridge was a free woman. Err, she used to be. -

Kingsley Shacklebolt was a proud Ravenclaw. Always had been, always would be.

Anyway, Umbridge had volunteered to sing one night and the owner had handed her the mike.

She sang this song:

_I-I-I Must Not/ Tell Lies! He-He-He: The Woooooooooooooooooooooorst! I-I-I! Hate Ha-rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLS LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!_

Everybody blanched at her horrible voice but she grinned and continued.

**I-I-I WILL KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL HIM!/ PAINFULLYYYYYYYY! IT WILL BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**

By now, the owner was working to get Umbridge off stage, but she ignored him.

Finally, Kingsley stepped up.

"Miss Umbridge, you are now sentenced to a lifetime in the prison for which I work: come along!" Kingsley ordered, handcuffing her and dragging her away.

Everybody cheered for him. Petunia was partially deaf from Umbridge's horrible voice.

Alright, Ravenclaws are bad to mess with too...

* * *

PART IV (Sequel to Part III of Chapter 9)

"HEY! You! Boy from before!" Dudley grunted. "Join my gang. I am now your leader, scum."

Draco said nothing: instead, he wheeled around and punched Dudley in the face. The Dursley boy was so surprised that he fell on his butt and didn't get up.

Stay clear of Slytherins as well...you know what? Just don't mess with any of the houses!

Ilvermorny might be okay to mess with, though...


	25. Rhea is a person

Okay, I have some little, almost _mini _chapters that I might publish tomorrow or next week. Basically just one-shots from each of the Dursley's (plus Harry's) point of view. Would you guys _like _me to publish those?

Guest: **Oh my gods, no, I couldn't imagine them ruining _all _of Rick's books like that! I think it would be better if they made a Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus T.V show (with each chapter an episode, each book a season) with Rick helping and over-seeing it so they don't mess up.**

ON WITH IT!

* * *

**PART I: **Sirius, Wormtail, Marge

**PART II: **Draco, Astoria, Pansy, Dudley

**PART _III_: **Harry, Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, Marge

**PART ****IV****: **Neville, Augusta, Rabastan, Petunia

* * *

**PART I**

Sirius was a free dog! He was running through the fields, jumping across the people, chasing Wormtail...wait, Wormtail? Sirius barked and tore after the rat.

Peter seemed to have recognized him too, as the rodent was squeaking in terror as he ran.

However, Padfoot soon found his path blocked by a large walrus-like woman.

"Oh...aren't you a good dog? I think I'll take you home!" Marge cackled, bending over.

Sirius jumped up and bit her back, jumping over her head to escape. But Wormtail was gone.

The Dog-Animagus sighed and ran into the distance, Marge still wailing behind him.

* * *

**PART II (THE ULTIMATE CRACK-SECTION OF THE CHAPTER)**

It was the day after Astoria and Draco's wedding and they were having a celebratory dinner.

Astoria was telling some story about her sister's cat and Draco was simply staring at her with the barest smile on his face.

Of course the beautiful moment was ruined.

"DRACO!" Pansy screeched, bursting into the restaurant's special dining room in the _single most revolting dress Draco had ever seen. _"OhMyGosh, OhMyGosh! Is that _Astoria? _You still look so beautiful, Tori! BEAUTIFUL TO A COW!"

"Okay, Pansy!" Draco spat. "I get it- you love me! Well, guess what? I DON'T love you so get the heck outta here and marry your cousin!"

"You can come marry me, darlin'!" Dudley chortled from the other table: his wife, formerly Rhea Barn but now Rhea Dursley, slapped him across the face and walked to another table where she sat in silence.

Pansy glared the man distastefully and left, stepping on Rhea's toes as she walked out. Dudley's wife pulled out a wand, _a wand, _and cast a spell to make Draco's Tomato Soup rise into the air.

Dudley blinked before starting to gape like a fish.

_What is wrong with my life? _Dudley thought, shaking his head.

(**A/N: Would anybody like to see more of Rhea- I already have a full backstory for her, somehow?!)**

* * *

**PART III **

It was Mrs. Number Eight's dinner party and Harry did _not _want to go.

But it was the summer, he was home from Hogwarts and Petunia was forcing him.

Harry hadn't planned on Marge being there.

But she was: she'd insulted people, burped and laughed cruelly all night.

"How disgusting!" Mrs. Next Door looked appalled. Mr. Number Three had called Marge a very censored word that I won't mention.

Harry grinned: maybe people were starting to figure out who the Dursley's really were.

* * *

**PART IV**

Neville was terrified. His grandmother, _GRANDMOTHER, _was dueling RABASTAN LESTRANGE!

Who wouldn't be scared?

But Augusta moved swiftly, firing spells with speed and agility.

"_Avada-" _Rabastan tarted, but Neville quickly intervened.

"_STUPEFY!" _He roared. Rabastan flew down to the ground and stayed there.

Augusta's tears welled and she took a step forward, hugging Neville close to her chest. She smiled in pride, knowing that Neville really was one-of-a-kind.

"I can't believe I ever thought you were useless, Neville...I'm so proud of you."

"I don't see why!" Petunia screamed, getting the attention of both Longbottom's. "He does _magic _in public! What a FREAK!"

"You know, ma'am...just because _you _are too insecure and have nobody to care about your ugly horse face doesn't mean we all do." Augusta interrupted, smirking.

Petunia fainted at being spoken to in such a manner.


	26. Harry is the SASS-KING!

**YES! YES! YES! Okay, so I got the positive on both mini-chapters and Rhea so that is up...but we've also reached over 100 reviews? While I'm writing this there's 102 and I'm so happy right now? I'm talking questions because I simply cannot process this...So, thanks. Thank you all for making this possible. I'm eternally grateful.**

But yes, this is the 2nd to last (not counting the mini-chapters) so we'll finally shut this project down...next weekend, as I don't update during school-days.

**And major shout-out to *sigh* Guest (you know who you are- I don't, sadly) for being my 100th reviewer!**

PART I: Harry, Umbridge, Fudge and Vernon

PART II: Snape, Umbridge, Rosmerta, Petunia

PART III: Hermione, Wormtail, Dudley, Marge

* * *

PART I (Sequel to Part 2 of Chapter 21)

"HEY! HEY, POTTER!" Vernon slipped on some butter as the man called his nephew and fell on the floor, laying there.

"Guess what, Potter? We are going to have a baby!" Umbridge sneered. "So, yeah! We're happy!"

"Oh really?" Harry raised an eyebrow. "Then here are some baby names just like _your _names:

_Dellllly, with five L's because you both have no idea how to spell,_

_Corny, because the baby will be just as disgustingly feeble as it's parents,_

_Nat, because when have you two listened to REASONS? Or logic? _

So? Dellllly Umbridge-Fudge, Corny Umbridge-Fudge or Nat Umbridge-Fudge?"

They both stared at Harry in fury as he walked out of the store, knowing that he and he alone was the sass king.

Vernon groaned from his spot on the floor.

* * *

PART II

"Oh,Severus?" Umbridge giggled, going up to him. "_Please _help me destroy Potter!"

"Dolores, get out, nobody wants you around." Snape drawled. "And that muggle named Petunia who is only here for story purposes just called you a toad."

Umbridge wheeled around and socked Petunia in the eye. Petunia drop-kicked Umbridge and soon the woman were _brawling._

Snape smirked and left.

Rosmerta was _wheezing _behind the counter, laughing so hard that a stain was appearing on her pants.

It was a story she would tell for decades to come.

* * *

PART III

Wormtail sneaked up on Dudley and Marge, who were having a burping contest.

However, he had not counted on the fact that Hermione would be there.

But she was. So she wordlessly stunned Wormtail and Obliviated the Dursleys, thinking they'd seen something.

They hadn't. Hermione wiped ALL their memories on accident. So Dudley and his Aunt walked around screaming about rubber ducks and airplanes.

Hermione returned the memories but the damage was done- people thought all the Dursleys were crazy.


	27. The Mini Chapter!

**Okay, so Dudley hasn't lost his mind and has come to accept the wizarding world so I really _don't _want the next ACTUAL chapters to include him.**

**If you add him to your request, I'll either cut him out or replace him with another Dursley. He's happy? In this. And I don't want to shake that foundation as this basically sums up the end of his life.**

**And I hope you respect my decision. So here we go:**

THE MINI-CHAPTERS: STARRING RHEA DURSLEY.

* * *

**The Day She Met Dudley: Rhea's P.O.V**

Rhea Barn wasn't exactly normal. She was a Ravenclaw witch and she had lost a few good friends in the Battle of Hogwarts...and that was why she was sitting in a tea shop, trying to disguise her tears with her hands.

"Err...Miss? Why are you crying?" Dudley had frowned at her, before gasping as she raised her head.

True love at first sight was _not _something Rhea believed in, though Dudley insisted that was what had happened...it had taken _her _a lot longer to fall for him.

"I-I lost my best friend last week...murder...lost my sister to the same person..." Rhea had croaked out. Dudley had patted her hand and whispered comforting words. Rhea couldn't recall what he'd said but it had relaxed her until she was at the point where she could stand and exit the shop.

"Do you have any siblings? Now I've only got my brother since my sis-well, yeah. Do you, Dud?" Rhea had smiled slowly up at him. Not love yet, but friendship.

"I've got an orphaned cousin named Harry Potter that lived with us." Dudley mumbled, suddenly much more solemn. "Don't see him much since he moved out."

_Harry Potter? The Gryffindor two years above Rhea's year? The Boy Who Lived? The guy who had saved her life?_

That was where she had heard of the Dursley's before...Harry's horrid family.

But Dudley seems alright- _because he doesn't know she's magic!_

Rhea laughed and hooked her arm through his. She'd have to keep the biggest secret from him but it'd be worth it...eventually.

* * *

**The Day She Met Vernon and Petunia: Petunia's P.O.V**

Petunia was ready to meet Dudley's girl: Apparently she was normal, but Petunia needed to make sure.

Her first thoughts were that _this girl was normal, all right! _Rhea had dark hair in a messy bun and dull brown eyes. She seemed _average _to Petunia.

But then she smiled and her whole face lit up. Petunia nodded approvingly.

"Hello, Mr and Mrs. Dursley! I'm Rhea Barns...Dud has told me all about you!" She shook Petunia's hand, then Vernon's and moved to stand next to Dudley.

"Yes, well...when's the wedding?" Vernon grunted.

"September." Dudley confirmed, his eyes shining in happiness.

Petunia sighed. If this girl made Dudley happy, who was Petunia to stop her?

* * *

**The Wedding: Harry's P.O.V**

Harry had felt morally obliged to go to his cousins wedding: Dudley had changed, after all.

Marge had been unable to come due to a fever that Harry may or may not have caused.

Vernon and Petunia had ignored him...Harry had felt the familiar dab of anger as Piers mentioned 'Harry Hunting' in his best man speech and running into Gordon and Malcolm had been _beyond _awkward.

Ginny, too, had been unable to come (sadly, he could have used the support) but Harry had spent most of the time mingling with the Bride's family.

Rhea herself had sat down to talk to him while Dudley went to the bathroom...they were discussing something but Harry felt as though he should know her...

"Harry? I-I need you to keep this a secret and Dudley doesn't know but...I went to Hogwarts..." Rhea had smiled nervously and Harry had spit out his non-existent coffee.

"_Rhea Barnes? _Luna's friend? That- You can't just _say _something like that!" Harry spluttered.

"Say something like what?" Dudley asked, rejoining them.

"Nothing, Big D!" Harry said hurriedly. "Rhea here was telling me about her sister! I trust you know-"

"Yeah." Dudley sighed, sitting and taking his wife's hand. "But this is a happy day! Let's dance, Rhea...the D.J just put on my favorite song!" She laughed and followed him onto the dance floor, but not before turning to look at Harry.

_Will you keep my secret? _Her eyes seemed to ask.

_Yes, I will. _Harry seemed to reply.

* * *

**When They Found Out She Was Magic: Vernon's P.O.V (Happens Right After Part II of Chapter 25)**

"You're magic?!" Dudley and Rhea were standing outside the restaurant, the night wind blowing into their hair and, yes, Dudley was mad.

How could she keep that from him? She was his wife! His dad had known about magic since before Dudley was born _because his mother had been honest. _

Unlike Rhea.

"I was _afraid_!" Rhea shot back, fury glittering in her eyes. "I was afraid that you would hate me _like you hated your cousin! _You know, Harry? Yeah, I went to SCHOOL with him and he never, not once, said something nice about you. But I liked you Dud, and you would have left me if you knew what I was. DENY THAT, I DARE YOU. DENY THAT YOU WOULD HAVE WALKED OUT ON ME!"

Her voice had steadily risen in volume and Vernon had froze inside the car- was this what had taken them so long? Him and Petunia had been worried when Dudley and Rhea hadn't stopped by but...if she was magic...

Vernon suddenly didn't want her to stop by.

"YOU'RE MAGIC?!" He leaped out of the car and Rhea suddenly looked much more scared.

"I-I didn't...My parents were normal! I swear they were...But my siblings and I were-yeah, but Dud and I are married! We don't _want _to split up and we're _happy, _okay?" Rhea smiled softly, though tears were still running down her face

"Dad...If you and Mum don't accept this, then that's okay. Just don't _ever _try to contact me again." Dudley growled, grabbing Rhea's hand.

After they left, Vernon called Petunia and explained the situation. His wife froze before whispering, '_We WON'T try to contact them again...if that's what Popkin wants.'_

* * *

**Aunt Marge's Bigger Mistake **

Dudley had broken ties with his parents but Marge? He'd still let her come around.

But then she'd said _that. _Blabbering about witches and wizards and how magic was disgusting.

Rhea had blown up Marge's cake and Dudley's Aunt had left, screaming.

It was one of the best days of his life

* * *

**Rhea's Children: Dudley's P.O.V**

It was fourteen years after Dudley had found out Rhea was a witch: he was honestly used to magic by this point, as were both their children, who were eagerly waiting to see if they would get their letters. He had never spoken to his parents after that night...if they couldn't accept Rhea, Dudley couldn't accept them. He felt bad but they'd never reached out to him either.

He had two children: a daughter and a son.

Dudley was nervous about the number. His mother and his Aunt Lily had been two girls...Dudley and Harry ( Who Dudley hadn't spoken too since the wedding- though he supposed that was what Rhea and him had been talking about) were two boys...

Now? Dudley had both.

The light of his life, Rachel Hestia Dursley, after Rhea's sister and the witch that protected Dudley's family.

Her brother, Harry Dedalus Dursley, 2 years younger. Rhea had insisted they had to honor Dedalus along with Hestia, but being named Dudley Dursley does make you a bit cautious with baby names.

And Harry? Dudley simply felt bad for the years of torture he'd bestowed upon his cousin.

And then when Rachel turned 11, her Hogwarts letter didn't come.

Rhea explained that Dudley's genes may have canceled out their magic. The children understand but Dudley felt guilty anyway.

But Harry Jr.'s 11th birthday came as well and with it came a Hogwarts letter. Rachel was understanding and supported her brother in every way possible.

Dudley was and is so proud of her.

But he wasn't not quite sure how to do things with Harry Jr. and, though Rhea was, he wanted to learn.

So he wrote to Harry and Harry showed up on his doorstep.

When Dudley mentioned his son's name, his cousin froze and Dudley was shocked to see _tears _in Harry's eyes.

His son and his cousin quickly bond and years later, James Sirius, Albus Severus, Lily Luna, Teddy Lupin and most of the Weasley children have graduated from Hogwarts.

And it's Harry Jr's turn. Rachel hugs her brother and whispers her pride.

Dudley and Harry both smile and turn to each other- they've realized the same thing.

This family has finally done the one wizard-one muggle child thing right.


	28. DUN! DUN! DUN!

Here it is, guys- the last chapter! Wow, I just...Wow. But I suppose I'll save the monologue for the Epilogue! I'm sorry, I only did 2/3 of the requests but I wanted to end this last real chapter with some imagination.

Also, I was struck with writer's block for this chapter! Though I _did _promise to get this up today. Just please don't request anything for this story- that is completely done. I just want to know what you think.

**And now, Harry, let us step out into the night and pursue that flighty ****temptress, adventure. -Albus Dumbledore.**

* * *

DUMBLEDORE, UMBRIDGE AND PETUNIA

"DUMBLEDORE!" Dolores screamed. "You are such an old geezer that...I named my dog 'old geezer'! After you! Not. Because I hate dogs. And you."

Dumbledore smiled serenely.

"Thank you, Dolores. But don't you have a weird, empty feeling- in your brain?" The toad fumed with anger, glaring at the headmaster.

"Well, guess what Dumbledore?" She was smiling triumphantly. "I bet your mom named you **DUMB**ledore because she saw your dumb face!"

"Actually, Dolores, Dumbledore is my _last _name. My parents didn't pick it." Dumbledore corrected. "Although, I doubt your brain is big enough to store that information!"

"You're so old, you should be dead!" Umbridge screeched, clinging to threads of some of the _dumbest _roasts, so dumb that it pained me to write them and made my brain hurt to come up with them.

"Alas! Ugliness is not a crime...otherwise, you would spend a lifetime in prison." Dumbledore smiled at the toad/woman and left.

Petunia's eyes rolled back in her head as she fainted. Mr. Poppy from down the street was said to have started the rumor that Petunia was an escapee from a mental asylum.

But hey- _rumors spread like wildfire!_

* * *

RITA, HERMIONE, PETUNIA

Rita Skeeter the beetle protested at being caught in a jar...but Hermione felt much more guilty for the poor muggle.

Petunia Dursley had screeched her head off at the sight of the beetle and the tea shop owner, Alexandra, had had no choice but to kick her out.

Poor Alexandra! Hermione had sent the 20-year old woman a bouquet of flowers to apologize for the fiasco...

NOBODY deserves to be a victim of Petunia's screaming.

Though one good thing cam out of it! Alexandra's sister started a nasty rumor that Petunia was a breeder of bugs!

Reputation? Ruined! (Hotel? Trivago!)

* * *

**Alexander, Rumors Only Grow- AND WE BOTH KNOW WHAT WE KNOW! (**Sorry, I'm Hamilton Trash!**)**

Vernon and Petunia's world seemed to BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN! BURRRRRRRR-sorry, sorry!

Their reputation was RUINED! What, oh what, were they going to do?

_Harry _had a family and successful career but he would surely never help! Dudley and Rhea hated them but...Petunia wanted to sob.

Years. She had had the envy of Privet Drive for _years! _Now these silly rumors had TORN IT ALL APART! STAND BACK WATCH IT BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN!

But they got by well enough, careful never to show their face in public.

Anyway, Petunia knew something was up when Vernon came into the house and forgot to eat his potato chips.

* * *

**DUN! DUN! DUN! What happened to Vernon? **

**Get the Epilogue dedicated to you if you guess right!**

**Did he...**

**A) Find out Marge died.**

**B) Get fired from Grunnings.**

**C) Get a phone call from Harry.**

**D) Hear a particularly nasty rumor.**

**E) Get punched by an elephant.**

**BECAUSE IT'S ONE OF THEM!**


	29. EPILOGUE

**EPILOGUE**

HereIAm guessed E (Vernon was punched by an elephant) and IChangedMyName990 guessed C (Vernon got a phone call from Harry!)

Sadly, neither of those was planned so they are both incorrect but WHATEVER! I added them both to this chapter after I read those reviews anyway!

So THANKS GUYS! Beware: I WILL monologue at the end of this.

* * *

"What's wrong, Vernon?" Petunia fretted. "What happened?"

"It's nothing, 'Nia." Vernon grunted. And that's when she realized something was truly wrong. Vernon NEVER called her Nia unless he was feeling too dumb to pronounce the three syllables of Petunia.

"What is it? Tell me!" Petunia demanded. Vernon looked up at her and sighed, long and loud.

"First!" He rattled off. "This morning, I got a letter from old Colonel Fubster, Marge's neighbor...he said she died this morning! My sister just died of a heart attack! There won't be a funeral because the government thought she was insane, idiots.

Second! I got fired from Grunnings. Something about a rumor they heard! So now we will earn no more money!

NUMBER THREE! At lunch, I got a phone call from OUR FREAKY NEPHEW! He apparently sends his 'dearest regrets' for Marge's death-ha, he probably _caused _that death, the freak.

AND THE I FOUND OUT WHAT THE RUMOR WAS THAT GRUNNINGS FIRED ME FOR: APPARENTLY, I CHEATED ON YOU WITH A WEIRD WOMAN NAMED MARIA REYNOLDS AND THEY WANT ME TO PUBLISH A LOT OF ESSAYS ABOUT IT! Only an absolute git would cheat on his wife with a woman named 'Maria Reynolds' and then publish an _essay _about it!"

**I'm looking at you, ALEXANDER...I hOpE yOU buRn!**

Petunia gasped, her eyes welling with tears.

"Oh, Vernon!" She gasped, throwing her arms around him.

Suddenly, Petunia frowned, looking closer. There was a...strange bruise...on his face.

"What's that bruise, Vernon? Be honest."

Vernon looked terrified but sighed and put his head in his hands.

"The ruddy elephant punched me!"

"Wait, what was that last bit?" Vernon and Petunia looked up.

Mr. Poppy and Alexandra the tea shop owner, Mrs. Figg and Mrs. Next Door were all standing in the doorway, mouths hanging from the conversation.

**Mr. Poppy.**

Scott Poppy wasn't _quite _sure what to believe anymore- he had resented being the muggle brother, while his brother was a muggleborn WIZARD.

But Lucas Poppy had kept Scott in touch with events in the Wizarding World and that was how Scott found out who Petunia and Vernon's strange nephew really was.

But now? PUBLICITY TIME! Just let it be known at Hogwarts how Vernon and Petunia think of their nephew.

Scott figured they wouldn't like it...and having a storm of wizards thunder down on your house, your sanctuary? That seemed more damaging than a hundred lightning bolts.

* * *

**Alexandra**

Alexandra Taylor was _perfectly _sure what to believe. An over-worked Ministry official, the Half-Blood witch liked to spend her weekends at the calm tea shop in Little Whinging.

She didn't look like much, with her brown hair that was dyed blue or her sad height of 4'8. But Alexandra was a force to be reckoned with.

Petunia's eyes widened as she realized who, exactly, Alexandra was: the former student at Little Whinging Public School and the daughter of Lily Evans-Potter's best (muggle) friend.

So...yeah! She was only a year older than Dudley and Harry and had been _brought up _with tales of the former.

Alexandra had made it her duty to look out for the boy-who-lived...and she had been in Gryffindor at Hogwarts, so while they had never been _friends, _Harry was aware that she existed and yeah, Ron and Hermione had never even heard of her from him but, well...they liked to keep it under wraps.

Alexandra had first become his acquaintance because she had taken an _immediate _antagonistic view to Dudley.

And now? She was here to take revenge.

* * *

**Mrs. Figg. and Mrs. Next Door**

Arabella Figg just liked bashing people's heads in- and also, Petunia annoyed her. Mrs. Next Door, who was actually named Aileen Saffron, owned the elephant who had punched Vernon.

* * *

So, yeah...eventually, they didn't publish it in the wizarding world but it WAS on the muggle telly for a day.

"RUINED!" Petunia screeched. "OUR REPUTATION HAS BEEN RUINED FOREVER!"

Vernon fainted and went into a coma for ten minutes.

Vernon fainted on the spot.

* * *

**AND DONE! Thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed, favorite-d or followed this story.**

**This would NEVER have been possible without you guys and you helped me bring my story alive.**

**I still remember my FIRST fanfiction. I got only ONE review and, surprise, I discontinued it and have no intention of picking it up again.**

**But this? This has had SO MUCH encouragement that I've wanted to scream.**

**I barely believed my eyes when I saw my 100th review.**

**So thank you all. Thank you SO much.**


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